So I'm Thinkin'...

This post may be more tedious than reading a Gus Van Sant novel, but I'm in-between moods tonight and I gots too many thoughts in my head. All trying to be processed, all wanting to take precedence in the forefront of my mind. I'm neither sad nor angry. Emotive, yes, but what is the emotion? Perhaps I'm just bored as indicated with an earlier post. So, here's what I'm thinking...

I'm thinking' how I rather be out in the streets tonight, anywhere but here. I'm thinking how I'm so frustrated with my life right here, right now. I'm thinkin' I'm pissed at myself for shoveling food in my mouth all night in an attempt to not run out for cigarettes. I'm thinking why the fuck don't I just run down to the corner store and grab a pack anyway? I'm thinkin' about that cute and sexy black guy I saw stand outside the barbershop this morning. I'm wondering what he'd look like naked? I'm thinking I feel like a prude because I put myself on this self-imposed celibacy. I'm thinkin' what's so wrong with casual consensual non-committal sex anyway?

I'm thinkin' it's six days till Christmas and where did this year go? I'm thinking I need to move. Move to some place warm because I'm cold as Siberia tonight, despite having tons of blankets wrapped around me and the damn space heater on. I'm thinking I'm really gonna hit the store in a minute for tose pack of cigarettes. I'm still thinking about that guy from this morning. Wonderin' how his hard dick would feel against my flesh? That makes me think about my straight crush, "Gemini," who always is a visual epiphany. I'm thinkin' about Gemini beautiful white teeth, that gorgeous smile, his firm ass, his tight abs, and those damn freckles pepperin' his red-bone complexion. Oh what joy, that slightly receding fade haircut, that friggin' masculine confidence, easily mistaken as arrogance! Mmm. I'm thinkin' the woman who's hittin his draws is one lucky beeeotch! I'm thinkin' I need to stop thinkin about Gemini. Now!

I'm thinkin' about "Maxwell," my other physical therapist, how his kindness has been a blessing. That even though he's from an Island country that would kill a homosexual than suffer with one, he's out and proud. I'm also thinkin' about that annoying white boy who's the receptionist at Gem and Max's office, also gay, who stares daggers at me each time I walk in the joint! I'm thinkin' why do some gay men have to be so jealous? So hateful? Thinkin' why can't we be a happy, united, little gay community?

Thinkin' how I miss my daddy. How twelve years ago we had a fight the week before Christmas, which pissed me off so I decided not to go to his house for the Holidays. I'm thinkin' that six months later he was dead and buried and a chapter in my life was closed forever. Thinkin' I was an ass. That I shoulda been a bigger, better person, but I let resentment keep me away. I'm thinkin' about that last Christmas present I purchased, how it sits under my Christmas tree every year. Year after year, unwrapped, and never to be opened, as a reminder of my foolish arrogance. I'm thinkin' how I miss him so much.

I'm thinkin' about friends I need to email back. Thinkin' how appreciative I should be they took time to write and send their love and concern. Thinkin' bout blogger buds, friends like Corey, how he always checks in. Or talented Aaron. How is he doing with his weight loss process? Thinking about Greg and T, how are their Holidays shaping up? Thinking about Toddy, still disappointed, but happy he's moving forward with his life, seizing his day! About my blogger twin, John, who sent me a comment tonight that made me laugh. Thinkin' how that boy is doin' his damn thing and how proud he should be of himself. Thinkin' I can't forget to mention DTW and that awesome blog he writes. Brother u is my inspiration blogger. Or Cocoa with his terrifc piece of Cyberspace. Thinkin' bout all my other favorite bloggers, too many to mention, but nonetheless valuable in our little blogging family. How grateful I am for your effort.

I'm thinkin' about Barack Obama. How damn proud I am to live in this moment, that in less than a month, America will have its first Black president. I'm thinkin' it's about damn time! I think I love (in a Platonic way) "Barry O'Bomber," even though brother's gonna put a basketball court in the White House, and gee doesn't that seem so stereotypical. I'm thinkin' who the eff cares? Brother is doin' his damn thing too! Go on wit' yo'sef Barry! I'm thinkin' about Barack's parents and grandparents, how proud they must be, smiling down from Heaven on their boy-kid.

I'm thinking soon I really gotta stop callin' Mr. O "Barack," "Barry" or anything else that's too familiar and be respectful. He is MISTER PRESIDENT (soon enough)! I don' know that man from Adam and I'm sure as hell not gonna be invited to any White House formals, so time to be respectful, even though he's my role model and all... I'm thinkin, yeah, My President is Black Bitches! Eff those racists!

I'm thinkin' I'm still itching for that cigarette, but I'm gonna fight it. I'm thinkin' about a certain Texan. No, not that Texan in DC, but a chocolate Texan, California raised and bred, hittin' old school like it ain't no thang. How brotha always keeps it so damn real. Sonuvabitch knows my black ass all too well!

I'm thinkin' about Napoleon. Linus. Arturo. Myjah. Santos. All those brothers who dogged me in 2008. Thinking I Bless 'em in God's name anyway even though they hurt me bad. That I forgive them. I'm thinkin' about my sister "Sissy" and her family. Thinkin' how much I miss my 22 year old nephew, how much I need to hold my surrogate "mijo" in my arms, like I did when he was a baby. How I miss him, need to confess to him, so he'll confess to me. Tell that boy his hope is not lost.

I'm thinkin' my spirit will overcome. That pain is just momentary, but God's Joy is eternal! I'm thinkin' I need to remember that Christmas is not one day, but 3-6-5 days, or as the case is this year, 3-6-6! I'm thinkin' I'm so blessed that I don't even realize the half of it!

And finally, I'm thinkin' about you, the reader, wondering if you're gettin' my vibes tonight? Are you pondering when the hell Ian's gonna shut up and stop typing. Ina minute cats, ina minute. Is this dumb? Is my blog trite most of the time? I mean, is it poignant? I'm thinkin' do you come away with something when you come here? Or are you here just for the pretty studs? I'm thinking it don't matter. This blog is me. I'm emotive and who cares? Right now, I'm thinkin' that's OK...

-Ian