Making The Most Out Of It

OK, so today is the last day of my 30s. Really. The last day. The absolute last day. Now it isn't like the world is gonna change on a dime in at the stroke of midnight. Far from it. The big celebration will continue and when the day comes to an end, it will be like any other day. Whoopee Ding. LOL.

Wish I had some inspiring words or messages to say. Something profound to say that I learned about myself in my 30s that I take into my 40s having learned better about myself. Instead I enter the next decade of my life knowing a few more insecurities, taking on more debts, worries, challenges, heartaches, and challenges than I did when I enter. Yet, the greatest thing above all else is I'm here. I've taken another breathe. Laid eyes on the sun one more day. I may not have all the things that I want, have all the things that my heart wishes, but I truly have all the things I need.

God never promised to give us all that we wanted. He never said that life would be remotely fair or easy. Nope, not one damn second. It's funny. I've been giving much thought that even though life has had its hardships for me and I have been in deep loneliness and pain, I still have absolutely everything I need. EVERYTHING. There isn't none thing I couldn't account for that I don't have at this moment. Really. Sure I wish shit was different. I won't go through the laundry list of what's broke in my world, but I know one thing, I have me and that is all that counts. Yep.

Los Angeles, thus far....

LA has been a blast so far. Some glitches here and there, some tense moments, but over all has been fun. I might go in depth over on [MALE] about what's been going on here in Cali, but I'm trying best not to get on Pharaoh's nerves too much. Brother is a lot more quiet than I anticipated, not necessarily reserved, just quiet. Tazzy is as loud and fabulously ferocious as I suspected my baby brother was gonna be.

Umm. I got got too drunk last night in WeHo. I don't care. I wanted to. Figured my last acts of my thirties will be how my thirties began, irreverent and foolish. Once I hit the forties, I can crawl up into that ball of reservedness event further. Hm. There is a thought or two I would like to express, but best to leave it off for now. Catch a post that Maurice wrong on [MALE] about being gay, black, and fat. It was quite stirring. Yes. No such thang as coincidence.

K. Papa Red Bear needs to go back in the other room and join the crew. There' all in there watching RuPaul's Drag Race. Tootles!

Blind To The Nay

Well yesterday didn't go as anticipated, but that's OK because revelation is a good thing whenever it comes. So I'm making the final preparations for my trip this week, trying to get last minute details together, and I think every obstacle that could, happened yesterday.

Well, I'm not letting that stop me. I'm closing the door on negativity, opening the window to success. That's my motto today. Move forward! Yup, I got my attitude in check this morning so I'm charging through this new day with hope and goals. Not sure if I'll accomplish everything, but the effort is its own reward.

Make it happen.

Fight That Battle...

Ugh! It's Monday morning and I'm trynna get up and get my ass in the work out routine but I'm hoping someday I'm have a flat belly like brutha to the right...of course what am I doing? On here telling y'all about it instead of doing. OK, OK, OK, I'm out...

Lord help me this day! LOL.

Stupidity & Silliness

Haven't done a blog post in a few days. Been busy. I need to get caught up on all the blogs before I head out to the West Coast. Tomorrow. That is my goal. This week has been busy with work and I'm just worn out. Only reason I'm up now is I just got off the phone with Crazy Sexy Cool, henceforth to be known as Sugar Bear (he hates that!) LOL. I think I pissed bruh off a bit because I'm tired and a bit silly. got a lil too flirtatious tonight towards the end of our convo. It wasn't intentional. Don't often cross that line with him anymore because I recognize I have the sex appeal of a turnip, but hey, can't blame a man for trying right? Shoot. He'll get over it, if not, I'm sure he'll find a way to even the scales (pun intended) with me soon enough.

Oh baby dolls, did I tell you no longer resemble a troll doll? Well, I still might like like the troll aspect, but I cut off my damn 'fro finally. Plan on keeping it long for the duration. Most of the grey hair got cut out, not that I minded it, but everyone keeps telling me I look years younger. K. Guess Papa Red Bear can learn. Catch my post over on [MALE] later this weekend about the experience. As I said, I'm behind on four posts so after I get off work tomorrow I'll be typing out post after post after post....

Do I Dream Of Normalcy?

So in an effort to free myself from my usual restrains, I'm stepping outside my level of comfort with my trip to LA. Making plans with Prince Pharaoh and Tazzy, going to clubs and hanging out in all the social spots where the beautiful people gon' be. Hm. OK. Am I ready for this?

Now I express my trepidation to this because I'm going with the stereotype that the West Coast is filled with shallow folks who are gonna turn up their noses, giggle, and guffaw at a large brutha like yours truly steppin up in the place. Again, hm. So do I let fear and the possible fear of response from others stop me from having fun? Oh hell no! But I'd be lying if I wouldn't admit to feeling self-conscious to some degree. My confidence isn't the greatest, but I'm gonna buck up, put my best imitation of masculine suave on (as much as yours truly can muster) and do the damn thing. Life is too short, and hey, I wanted to do something different for my fortieth birthday right?

Yeah, it ain't easing being a misshapen tool in the box of perfection, but I need to remind myself of this one thing, we all have our faults. Perhaps I might carry mine around my middle, but there are others who carry theirs between their ears. So what's the deal if I get some stares or some snickers or two. Am I every gonna see any of these people again? Doubt it. And if I come back with memories that bring a smile to my face, then normal or not, then my dreams can come true...

Um...

I hate writer's block. I've started and restarted this post several times and each time is sounds like crap! Ugh. Monday morning frustrations already? Boo it's only the wee hours yet, the day ain't even got started yet. Time to regroup.

Why So Silent M'sieur?

Recently a friend and supporter asked why I haven't been doing much blogging lately. I suppose the simplest answer is because I've been going through some rough spots, feeling like a punk ass bitch, so I've chosen to keep my distress to myself.

It's interesting what we will and won't do, even as gay men, that I've allowed myself to reach a ceiling with how much I want to discuss personally. Methinks I'm going through a mid-life crisis; my balance is off again.

This discontinuity with my spirit; wrestling with the demons of the man I am not and the man I wanted to be. More and more, each morning the motivation to get out of bed is a challenge. Sure, I appear fine on the outside. Yes Virginia, even I can keep a few secrets when needed. I don't air all my dirty laundry. Hmph. If you only knew.

My reluctance to share anything of late cuts to the core of my own masculine pride and self-worth. Fueled by a few negative comments and accusations, I've been acting below my own comfort level and I ain't feeling that shit one second. Vulnerability can be risky when the prize your seeking is contingent on a superficial structure of outward appearances. Let's be honest about that, the older I get, the less likely certain dreams are going to be achieved. Yeah, that's everyone, but the regrets have chosen now to go on the offense. My deep seeded sense of isolation and loneliness has started to physically manifest itself....

There's more I'd like to say, but I'm keeping my defenses up in case the next volley of insults work their way back. I'm tired. Nevertheless, I will attempt to blog more often, for my friends sake. Too, I have a firm belief this tide is about to ebb in a few weeks, and my life will go back to what it was before. Now is that a good thing? Therein remains to be seen....

Lord, It's Monday, But I'm Aiiight!

Can you believe it's Monday already? Weekend went like a blur, but I feel relaxed. I admit it was kinda hard to get my butt outta bed this morn, but I did and I have a few minutes before I have to hit the showers and dress for work.

So it's February. One month of 2010 under our belt. I feel energized and more inspired today. Not sure how you're feeling this Monday, but I'm mos def ready to get the party started!

Have a good one my friends...