Yesterday

"See I decided that I cried my last tears yesterday,
Yesterday, (yesterday) oh Yesterday (yesterday)
I decided to put my trust in you.
Yesterday, (yesterday) Yesterday (yesterday)
I realized that you will bring me through,
There ain't nothing too hard for my God, no
Any problems that I have
He's greater, greater than them all,
so I decided that I cried my last tears yesterday"
- Mary, Mary

My thoughts are a bit dark this afternoon. What started out to be a promising day, turned around into something else. Watching the leaves falling while sitting on the back deck a little while ago I realized this, "Winter is coming." Well of course it is dummy. Seasons come, seasons go. Isn't that the natural progression of things? The natural progression, eh? Mm. What is natural progression? Further said,what is the unnatural progression of things?

Experienced the cold back hand of homophobia this afternoon, setting me back from my stride. After years of therapy, personal work to bolster esteem, taking pride in myself, thought I'd developed a thicker skin by now.Yet, the damn words got under my skin.

Nigger, faggot, queer-bitch, black fag, sissy, punk... all irreverent and superfluous words used to demoralize character. I've heard 'em enough; every gay man of color has heard 'em at time or 'nother. For me, coming from a stranger, they're easily dismissed. From a friend, an associate, a supposed ally, the words burn like acid.

What's the point of humiliating someone? Shaming them? Does it really make an individual feel so superior, to impugn another's self-worth? Masculinity? Racial heritage? Now, I readily admit I'm more sensitive than most folk, yes I've been known to wear my heart on my sleeve, but when you place your trust in someone, tell me is wrong to expect fair and equal treatment? Respect?

I feel a part of my spirit has died. I'm not sad though. Angry, yes. Disappointed, oh yes. But sad? God, no! Coming home this afternoon my only thought was I wanted to lash out, hit something, someone. Instead, the wind called to me. Told me to sit in the crisp autumn air; collect my thoughts. My feelings are hurt, but I'm not defeated.

See, what I know is this, just because you don't like me, there is Someone who loves me. Loves me for all my faults, all my insecurities, all my inadequacies. To Him, none of my "weaknesses" matter. With His love, I can never fail. With His Grace, I can never be disgraced. I put my faith in Him many yesterdays ago. You've known me for two minutes compared to His eternity knowing me. So I can hold my head a little higher, even though, I wanna sink my head into the pillow. God accepts me. Why can't you?