Pride In Thy Self: A Connection Of Events

A segment in the A Tribe Of One Postings



OK, dammit. I'll admit I got into a serious funk on Saturday and ended up not going to Pridefest. I really didn't feel like being around a bunch of happy queers and falsely wandering through life like time is on their side. The few gay Black friends I have usually don't attend such events anyway. The gay community is still fiercely divided amongst race here in Central PA. You'll be lucky to find many Same Gender Loving identified men. Most of the guys I do know are either on the "low" or don't message with our white brethren and run to Philly every weekend. People, like me, black men who bridge the gap between White Gays and Black Gays are around, but I wanted solace within my own "people" so to speak this past weekend.

I should have went. In my situation, I tend to get along better with white gay men rather than black gay men. Call this a carry over of past life from my childhood and adolescence. Black people have never really been kind to me. Shame left me isolated.



There is a part of me that crave to be whole. Being a single man, a single Same Gender Loving Black man, take no merit for me. I feel ostracized from my support base, the African American community. In recent years, the community has hopped on the conservative bandwagon and denounced homosexuality with a vengeance. It's no wonder black men are afraid to come out and so many brothas creep around on the 'low (I really do hate the expression DL, but what can you say). There is so much self-loathing black brothers out there, dealing with their own internalized homophobia, its very sad.



Black people are our own worse enemies. When I examine our own black on black hatred and crimes, I shake my head. The in-community racism, while in some ways has dissipated, still resounds with our own self-color bias. Horrendous as it may seem, my soul wants unification, completeness with the gay black community; with the heterosexual black community. Am I self-hating? Perhaps. Insecure? Yes, most definitely, yes.



My association with my ethnicity has always been tedious and at best, distant. While I wholly accept who I am from an ethnic standpoint and how most of America would view me, my ethnic background is diverse enough that I could lean on the multiracial category. I chose not too, however. I like being black, have come to appreciate the black form in its beauty, and love the community, even with its faults. Am I proud of my ancestry? Hell yes! I wouldn't change my racial ethnicity for anything. Anything. What I do want though is acceptance from the black community. I was tortured emotionally as a child and while some may say I'm just a "punk" I do have feeling and I have a heart. I might not walk with swagger or talk the lingo (I refuse to say EBONICS!!!! A racist term developed by racists, non-African Americans) but I still know who I am.

I allowed judgment from other divorce me from my people. I ran away quite willing. I've come back into the fold, having not really left it, just hovering on the outside of the village. My ability to get along with most people has helped me to survive. Now I want to come home and rest in the bosom of my culture, my heritage, and feel loved. You don't have to approve of me, but you must love me.



Black people need to get over this brainwashing from the Republican conservations and realize gay people have always been interspersed in our community. We need to embrace our young men and women who may be different sexually. We need to teach them self-acceptance and pride, never to sacrifice their soul for self acceptance. The Black Church needs to be a leader in this. Preach God's love, not hatred. It strikes me as humorous for all the revered clergy casting out "gay demons" in the name of Jesus, but are forgetting to cast out their own seven deadly sins they're perpetrating.

When I was younger and had the stirrings of realizing I was different, black children, black boys, and eventually black men, were malevolent. I understand older generation believed in toughen up a boy-child, but this was did not have anything to do with any about tough love. My experiences were sadistic and cruel. Spat upon, taunted, lies told about me, harassment I still shudder when I remember it. It makes me cringe and feel fearful. My resentment is a process I'm attempting to overcome, but it is difficult. I don't trust black men. Really, I should say I don't trust men period. Given my life situations men of all races and ethnicities have been jerks and assholes. But in those I should seek counsel, solace, and comfort, have often been negligent in their duty and responsibility.


I'm working on coming to terms with my life. I'm trying to be at peace with myself within my community. Slowly, through many wonderful sistah-girls in my life, I've met some genuine, caring, compassionate, NICE, black men on both sides of the sexual fence. Not all black men are like those I knew in childhood. Fortunately, I don't live in Philly or DC any more. I live in quaint Central PA. I have the opportunity to gain self worth and regain my trust of my black brothers. We're reacquainting ourselves. It'll take time.

About Love and Acceptance

Perhaps, reluctantly, my life changed when I came out. Of course it did, silly! I'm not sure if life has been for the better or not. I'm certainly not skipping down and golden paths, gleefully searching for the Emerald City, that's for damn sure. Examining life to where I've been and where I am, it doesn't seem much different. Therapy was helping to some minute degree, but therapy became increasingly painful and layers were peeled away. I've stopped going to therapy a year ago. Some days I can muddle through and pull off a smile or two. The adage "fake it until you make it" is merely another part of my daily living. When and how am I ever going to make it through? "Desperate" doesn't begin to explain my plight. Hopeless, upon occasion would be apropos.



Medication thoughts have crossed my mind from time to time, but to be completely honest, I'm not all that regimented with taking my usual daily life-sustaining medication, let alone add an additional prescription for "bottled" happiness. I tend to be lax with doing the whole pill thing. Perhaps all of this is a result of my depression? Napoleon seems to think I'm Bipolar, a condition he has. From my own psychological background, I beg to differ. I tend to only experience extreme lows and the rest of my life is mediocre. Knowing the truth though, everything could be a combination of Post Traumatic Stress, depression, diabetes, and weight issues. The impact causes mood swings where I have death wishes at times.



Seriously? Seriously. Now I haven't considered that plight ins a good number of years. Hell, while being in my mediocre existence, the consequence could be worse according to faith and the eternal agony awaiting if I chose suicide. Don't worry about me. I'll be here long enough until my body just falls the hell apart and my old friend the Darkman finally steps out of the shadows and carries me to the next level, be that Hell or Heaven.

Saying I'm tired is an understatement. Given the circumstances, however, I'm not throwing in the towel. It's unfortunate I'm at a place where I'm needy and crave support from others. My being can be taxing on others and its easier to suffer in silence than to be a burden to others. My dark moments cycle and usually last one or two weeks at a time, then I get a few days respite before the process starts all over again. I'm used to living like this. Life has always been this way and I've developed clever ways of disguising it.



With all this said, I've been trying to plot a new course to the next harbor of happiness, loosely said, of course. Happiness supposedly, begins and ends with the self. OK, well I'm not happy with myself. Another understatement.Don't ask for explanations, too many reasons are there. Suffice to say, I want to work on moving forward. I'm caught up and tangled in my own intra-personal bullshit clinging own to old fears and drowning in misery. There's so much to become. so much need, but emotional ties to the past bind me in place. I can't move ahead.

Can't or won't? Creating my own path to self-acceptance is going to take time. I need to be more than enough patient with myself. My day is coming. Like any other process in life, the circumstance have to be right for things to come to fruition. I need to give myself time, a little respect, and serenity.


Today is the local celebration or Pride Month. Why my area celebrates in July is unfathomable, but I decided I'm gonna head down to River Front for a little while despite the worst of myself. Like the rest of my life, I don't entirely comfortable in the gay community, but I am who I am. Fuck off to anyone who thinks they're more superior than me.

Making the Journey More Amusing

Sometimes I think my morning work commute could make a best selling novel, a tale of the truly bizarre.

This morning I stopped to purchase a newspaper, a diet Pepsi and a pack of smokes before heading out for work. As I entered the convenience store I took notice of a tall brother standing at the register waiting in line to be rung up. He seemed rather odd and I'm ashamed to admit I became a little suspicious of him. Not because he was black, but there was something extremely off about him. I could place my finger on it at the time; still can't. I wasn't afraid for my safety, I know how to handle myself and how to be inconspicuous if needed, but his odd appearance and mannerisms were enough to be on edge. I didn't want to be near him in case he was a nut job off the streets. Another local convenience store was robbed in my area recently, which is truly amazing, given I literally live right next to the township police department. Crime is definitely on the rise.



Forgive my poor description skills, but "brutha man" was a tall, lanky, clay colored complexion man of indeterminate age. His appearance was of someone trying to look much younger than what he was. He wasn't very successful. His attempt was something in his mid 20s and I gather he he probably was in his mid to late 40s, if not his early 50s. In both ears were thick diamond stud earrings and a silver bracelet was strapped across his one wrist, with the other having some gaudy bauble dangling from his arm. "OK," I thought to myself, "If my friend here is gonna rob the place, at least I know he's family!" Brutha-man completed his ensemble with a silver rope necklace and and over sized Jackie-O sunglasses. On top of his head was a Yankees ball call covering a shock of orange colored hair, which hand traces of silver and grey around the edges and the nape of his neck. The hair, naturally, had to have been dyed. "Oh honey you are deep in denial about your real age," I again thought to myself.


My oddly dressed, deep in age denial friend, had a slightly nice body for being lanky. His was lean and sinewy, with muscular arms. However, when I got a closer view of his face, he reminded me of some crack-heads I've known. (I hate to judge, I just got that vibe. I know several crackerjacks that trick frequently for their shit. Sad.) His face was beat-down, definitely not attractive in any sense to me. Perhaps once upon a time, but not today. His clothes fit well, revealing just enough ass cleavage to reinforce his a card carrying homo.



I'm watching him cashing out, waiting patiently 'cause I hadn't yet had my morning smoke, jonesing for my nicotine. He spoke to the Pakistani cashier and his voice sound scratchy and high pitched. Definitely sounded like some junkies I've known. The proprietor told him to have a nice day.


"Hmm? What's that? Have a blessed day? Huh?" asked the suspect junkie.

"No, no, no, sir. I say have a GREAT day." corrected the store owner, obviously a bit uncomfortable and showing sings he wanted the patron out of the store as much as I did.

"OOOOOOH! OK. You too!" squawked the anomaly and I watched him sashay out the door. Interesting. From first glance, I knew instantly he was gay, but I didn't realize how over the top gay. DAAYYYYYMMMN! When some men go queer, they really go for the full statement, don't they. LOL. Again, I'm not judging, just amused. The later could be a statement about my own insecurities, but I'm just not a big fan of overly exaggerated, effeminate men. I'm not. I hate the typical gay black queenly stereotype. I'm not hating on them, just the stereotype tends to often be heaped on gay black men. Traditionally gay black men are assigned to two groupings, the over hyped, butch masculine types or the swishy, Lamar-esque queens. (For those not familiar with "Lamar," think the gay character from Revenge of the Nerds movies from the 80s.)

So where does that put me? Ah, yes. The reoccurring theme in my life is I'm neither-nor. At least I had some laughs driving before hitting the punch card.

Planting A New Seed

Thus far, I'm not sure what purpose my blog has served. I can't tell how many people have browsed the pages, nor do I want to know. Sometimes, however, I wonder if its to dull and boring for anyone to take any real interest in my blog.Does anyone really give two shits about my mundane trivial pondering? Most people I know don't spend as much time on the 'Net as I, so if they check it out at all, probably its sparingly. In any event, I plan to continue blogging as long as time and patience permits.

Recognizing my blog has become my father-confessor, here's what I have to say this morning. I know my life may not be a constant stream of exciting events and activity. Others probably view my existence as fodder, worthless, and boring. A friend once told me I was "square as hell." Yet I am who I am. I struggle not two worry what other's think of me, but everyone at some point wants to feel importance. Perhaps I am "square." SFW? I don't have to live to any one's standards except my own. My life is comfortable and I know what to expect. The unexpected aggravates me. As boring as it seems, routine and familiarity are good for me. Knowing my life story, yes, I need consistency and regularity.

While I don't have drama du jour, I have a life that is significant. I've a hand full of friends closer than family, who love me, respect me, and are concerned about my well being. I too, have a career, while does not provide financial independence, gives me fulfillment and satisfaction at times. My cats, when there's no one else to call out, remind me of the comfort has given me in their companionship. I am blessed, I just have appreciate have has been given to me. I'm reminded of one of my favorite quotes, "Wishing for a thing doesn't make it so." No truer words have been spoken.





This post was ignited as I was checking my MySpace profile and received a mass email from a friend. I used the term "friend" loosely. He was more like my nemesis. Avoiding the story, I decided to cut the final ties that bind, and delete this person from my group of friends. It was tough, but necessary for my own well being. Reading his email opened flood gates of agony I suffered. I rarely hear from him and truly felt I was only a source of ridicule, someone to be pitied. Fuck you!

Unfortunately I cared deeply for him, more than he ever gave me regard. Letting go is the completion in a cycle I was to end. I am moving beyond the pain I've experienced at this person's hands. Hopefully in the coming days, when weakness set in, I won't regret this action. Freedom and growth has merit. I will survive. I've made this far, the sky is the limit now that I've truly said goodbye...

Fast Car

I heard this as I was getting ready for work today. I think I was 18 when this first came out. I didn't appreciate it then, but it speaks volumes to the condition of my life.

If only I could hope in a fast car, runaway from myself, and be free of limitations. Highlight the chorus, it bring back memories of college. Loose and fast times indeed:

"I remember we were driving driving in your car
The speed so fast I felt like I was drunk
City lights lay out before us
And your arm felt nice wrapped round my shoulder
And I had a feeling that I belonged
And I had a feeling I could be someone, be someone, be someone...."

Tracy Chapman's "Fast Car"

You got a fast car
I want a ticket to anywhere
Maybe we make a deal
Maybe together we can get somewhere

Anyplace is better
Starting from zero got nothing to lose
Maybe well make something
But me myself I got nothing to prove

You got a fast car
And I got a plan to get us out of here
I been working at the convenience store
Managed to save just a little bit of money
We wont have to drive too far
Just cross the border and into the city
You and I can both get jobs
And finally see what it means to be living

You see my old mans got a problem
He live with the bottle thats the way it is
He says his bodys too old for working
I say his bodys too young to look like his
My mama went off and left him
She wanted more from life than he could give
I said somebodys got to take care of him
So I quit school and thats what I did

You got a fast car
But is it fast enough so we can fly away
We gotta make a decision
We leave tonight or live and die this way

I remember we were driving driving in your car
The speed so fast I felt like I was drunk
City lights lay out before us
And your arm felt nice wrapped round my shoulder
And I had a feeling that I belonged
And I had a feeling I could be someone, be someone, be someone

You got a fast car
And we go cruising to entertain ourselves
You still aint got a job
And I work in a market as a checkout girl
I know things will get better
Youll find work and Ill get promoted
Well move out of the shelter
Buy a big house and live in the suburbs
You got a fast car
And I got a job that pays all our bills
You stay out drinking late at the bar
See more of your friends than you do of your kids
Id always hoped for better
Thought maybe together you and me would find it
I got no plans I aint going nowhere
So take your fast car and keep on driving

You got a fast car
But is it fast enough so you can fly away
You gotta make a decision
You leave tonight or live and die this way

A Reason For Being

For every person who has existed there is a reason for being. Each of us plays a part in the comedy of life. Our role may be a one line piece or maybe an extended soliloquy. Wasn't it Shakespeare who said "All the world is a stage?" No person is insignificant. No person's life does not have merit or value, including mine.



Wandering thoughts about the past and the present, hold me captive audience tonight. So many memories expanded upon people, events, memories gone by. Some days old, others decades. What do I do when both the man and the boy both want to come out of play? What denied experiences are being craved by the inner-child, the awkward adolescent, the naive young adult, and the reserved, conservative adult? As if in anticipation, revelations will shout forth from the Heavens and give comfort and solace.



Living has proved Heaven often keeps its secrets or doesn't have enough to share with everyone all at once. Sometimes reflection spent on mortality and adversity, sharpens the tool, with true rewards gained in eternity's bliss. Perhaps true?

Have you ever stopped to ponder why you are you? What caused your existence? Out of the infinite possibilities, what framed your make up to form your existence for being. Out of the millions, billions, trillions, of people who ever existed and will exist, what significance do we have to impart on the world around us? As mentioned, we have are a part of the cog in the wheel of life. Life is cause and effect and every one has a purpose, no matter how minute. Have discovered your reason for being yet? I'm still picking up the trail and am learning. Keep persevering, you'll discover you yet.

One Moment In Time

Back in the 80s and early 90s, Whitney Houston was a diva to be reckoned with. She had produced powerful songs with a voice that could chill, uplift the soul, and inspire. She was beginning a minor acting career and it seemed the sky was the limit and she'd become a powerhouse in the music industry and try to take Hollywood as well... all before she married Bobby Brown.

Well, we all know what happened in that situation. It's shame. A part of me keeps hoping she goes for a comeback in her career, but I think times have changed and her genre of music no longer fits the mainstream.

One Moment In Time was written for inspiration towards 1988 Olympians. I remember those Olympics well because I friend I had went to high school participated in some of the swimming venues. To me, this is a feel good, heartwarming song, encouraging to rise above, and become more than what you are. Not for someone else, but for yourself....

Give me one moment in time
When I'm more than I thought I could be
When all of my dreams
Are a heart beat away
And the answers are all up to me


One Moment In Time
Whitney Houston

Each day I live
I want to be a day to give the best of me
I'm only one, but not alone
My finest day is yet unknown
I broke my heart for every gain
To taste the sweet, I faced the pain
I rise and fall,
Yet through it all this much remains

I want one moment in time
When I'm more than I thought I could be
When all of my dreams
Are a heart beat away
And the answers are all up to me
Give me one moment in time
When I'm racing with destiny
Then in that one moment of time
I will feel, I will feel eternity

I've lived to be the very best
I want it all, no time for less
I've laid the plans
Now lay the chance here in my hands

Give me one moment in time
When I'm more than I thought I could be
When all of my dreams
Are a heart beat away
And the answers are all up to me
Give me one moment in time
When I'm racing with destiny
Then in that one moment of time
I will feel, I will feel eternity

You're a winner for a lifetime
If you seize that one moment in time
Make it shine

Give me one moment in time
When I'm more than I thought I could be
When all of my dreams
Are a heart beat away
And the answers are all up to me
Give me one moment in time
When I'm racing with destiny
Then in that one moment of time
I will be, I will be, I will be free, I will be,
I will be free

View The Ease and Feel Da'Noise

A selection of men that are just oh so beautiful and so damn good to look at. Makes you wanna jump up and slap som'body! Besides, I hadn't done an actual picture post in a while. Enjoy.


Chris Daughtry


LL Cool J


Marques Houston


Maxwell


Lenny Kravitz


Usher

Or Is It Big Boys Don't?

A new post option to my blog will be "Song Of The Moment" which will give credence to how I'm feeling or to pass along a word of wisdom. I've chosen Fergie's Big Girls Don't Cry. as my first post because this weekend I'm feeling a bit low, needing respite from my myself, friends, family, and person misery. The lyrics are poignant, especially the chorus, for I am a BIG boy and need to put to rest issues detrimental to my growth.

I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry


"Big Girls Don't Cry" by Fergie

Da Da Da Da
The smell of your skin lingers on me now
You're probably on your flight back to your home town
I need some shelter of my own protection baby
To be with myself and center, clarity
Peace, Serenity

[CHORUS:]
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry

The path that I'm walking
I must go alone
I must take the baby steps 'til I'm full grown, full grown
Fairytales don't always have a happy ending, do they?
And I foresee the dark ahead if I stay

[CHORUS]

Like the little school mate in the school yard
We'll play jacks and uno cards
I'll be your best friend and you'll be my Valentine
Yes you can hold my hand if you want to
'Cause I want to hold yours too
We'll be playmates and lovers and share our secret worlds
But it's time for me to go home
It's getting late, dark outside
I need to be with myself and center, clarity
Peace, Serenity

[CHORUS]

La Da Da Da Da Da

Moving Onwards

They say that when God closes a door, He always opens a window. Lately though I have trouble seeing Him, let alone the door and the windows. I feel trapped in a cold isolated place, with no source of true comfort.

Stupid shit is banging on my door this week, and try I a might not to answer, I've been caught up in the usual whirlwind and drama my life has become accustomed to. Interestingly enough though, I've been a little more stronger and recognize that time is a little short and I need to move on. Not only move on past people who are bad for me, but move on from the place where I center myself.

This weekend I've decided to take my Vision Quest and find out where life is willing to take me from here.

July 4th Celebration

Happy Independence Day! No matter what may be wrong with this country, I'm grateful for the extended freedoms I do have, which sometimes I do take for granted, others do not. Yes, we may be cocky at times, but this is my home....just never forget what being an American represents, not the negativity, not the opposing convictions over the Iraq War, not Democrats or Republicans, not gay or straight, not conservatives
nor liberals, not Black, White, Asian, Hispanic, nor the poor or the wealthy, but ONE PEOPLE UNITED under the auspices that ALL people are created equal and have the freedom of choice to live independently in the pursuit of life, liberty, and happiness!

And a special thank you to the indigenous people of my homeland, the Native Americans, the Indian Nations, who long before any European or African set foot on this continent, respected the land and kept pure and sacred. My Indian brethren often get lost in the shuffle, but you are not forgotten. I have some Indian Heritage in my family, not much, but some. I speak with pride when I say thank you...

Happy Fourth Of July to ALL Americans, both home and abroad!

And I’m proud to be an American,
where at least I know I’m free.
And I wont forget the men who died,
who gave that right to me.

And I gladly stand up,
next to you and defend her still today.
‘ Cause there ain’t no doubt I love this land,
God bless the USA.

From the lakes of Minnesota,
to the hills of Tennessee.
Across the plains of Texas,
From sea to shining sea.

From Detroit down to Houston,
and New York to L.A.
Well there's pride in every American heart,
and its time we stand and say.

That I’m proud to be an American

----Lee Greenwood

The Source Of Disillusionment

Perhaps its because I've the Sunday Night Blues, but tonight has been a great disappointment. Its the end of the weekend and I don't feel like I accomplished most of what I intended to do. I'm discontent and feeling a bit depressed. Life, lately, seems to lack any true sense of fulfillment.