Makes Me Wanna Holla!

Today was not one of my better days. Forgive me one and all, but I was the BFH (bitch from Hell) today. Some reason, crankiness crept into my being and wouldn't let go of me. Probably in part to the lack of sleep from the damn Daylight Savings Time change. I hate it in the Spring.

Woke up extra early this morning and try as I might, sleep refused to answer my yearning need. So I laid in bed for an hour and 45 minutes before getting up and turning on the Tom Joyner Morning Show at 6:00 AM. From there, my mood just degenerated into just plain nasty.

S'pose the ebb and flow of emotion also has connection to bad news concerning health matters I learned Friday. Been blatantly ignoring and not handling that sitch, so my subconscious must be working overtime processing and coming to grip with the latest in my health saga. Will I never heal properly? Sheesh.

Perhaps I'll explain the whole story in post tomorrow, but not now. I really am avoiding and burying my head in the sand. But the most important trigger came from a conversation with my beloved Grand ma-ma Sunday afternoon. Let me preface, I love the woman dearly, but she more or less compares me to the Great Whore of Babylon astride my wild ox coming to usher in the Apocalypse. She means well, but the constant critical statements wear me out. It's a family issue, one that started waaaaaay before I was born, so it's not entirely about me. Still.

Why is it only family can elevate you to such heights only to send you crashing down again, all in the name of love? Harsh statements and resounding judgment never helped anyone move forward. I'm a stubborn man. Get it from my daddy. And as nice as I probably come off here on the blog, I have nasty streak when my ire is riled up. Unfortunately I cuss like a sailor, do it in three languages, and have no shame reading the riot act if somebody pisses me off.

Now, just so you're sure, I still have R-E-S-P-E-C-T for my elders. I would nevah cuss out dear old gram. Honey I ain't crazy! That lady used be well-known for tearin' up mine, my sisters, my cousin, et al's asses if we got outta line. And at 80-something, I'm not about to test her to see if she will still make the attempt or not...but damn, I get so frustrated with her logic and assumptions. You know? My life is tame in comparison to other family members: I'm not running the streets. I'm whoring myself out. I'm using drug like I did 16 years ago. I've never been in jail. Never done anything to bring shame or scandal on our family name... Really. The same can't be said about others.

My life is stagnant right now. Dull. Boring. Just ordinary. But hear my gram talk, well you'd think I was the world's worst sinner. "You need to rededicate your life to Christ." Um, and you know my relationship with Jesus because? It just frustrates me because I'm not living the life she thinks I ought be living, then there's something amiss with me. I'm sorry if I'm not in church every Sunday. I'm sorry if I'm not quoting scripture left and right, but I know God know and sees my heart. He sees my struggle and how I am trying to make an effort, minimal as it may be. ...It's sad and hurts own grandmother thinks I'm a horrible person.

When I search for an answer for why she might think these things, well, all roads lead to Rome. Gotta be the gay issue. I know she KNOWS how I butter my toast. But again, I've never directly had that conversation with my grandmother. Nor my folks. Nor anyone in the older generations in my family. I'm sure it's been discussed, assumed, but nobody ever approached me and boldly asked. If they did, I would tell them the truth. I haven't done it because it's an uncomfortable topic. Additionally, I'm not nosing up in who parks their shoes under my respective family member's beds at night, so why should they care who does at my house? Huh? NP!

It's my own fault though. I should address the matter head-on; just need to be done with it. Call it cowardice, but I'm just not in the mood at this current stage in my life. I'm not well in body, spirit, or mind. For the interim, I need to rely on folk outside my circle of friends. While my family may not condone my life, they are reliable and I can depend on them if I am dire straits. So, the subject is off the table; for now. I made myself a promise however, I won't enter my 40s living in secret. So I have less than 11 months for figure out how to leave the drama at their doorstep, then walk away.

Don't lecture me guys. I know I'm not living my whole truth. All things in there due course of time. For tonight, I just needed to vent. Thanks for reading.
-Ian