Both Sides Now

Both Sides Now
by Joni Mitchell

Rows and floes of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere
Ive looked at clouds that way

But now they only block the sun
They rain and snow on everyone
So many things I would have done
But clouds got in my way
Ive looked at clouds from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
Its cloud illusions I recall
I really don't know clouds at all

Moons and Junes and ferris wheels
The dizzy dancing way you feel
As every fairy tale comes real
Ive looked at love that way

But now its just another show
You leave em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know
Don't give yourself away

Ive looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
Its loves illusions I recall
I really don't know love at all

Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say I love you right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
I've looked at life that way

But now old friends are acting strange
They shake their heads, they say I've changed
Well somethings lost, but somethings gained
In living every day

I've looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
Its life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all
Ive looked at life from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
Its life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all

My neighbors must know I'm in a mood tonight because I turned on the music. Y'know what music I'm talking about, the music you play when you're depressed as hell, sad, mad, and just need to work shit out. Now my musical taste vary and this song by Joni Mitchell happens to be one of my favorite songs.

Don't worry black people, I also broke out Patti, Jill Scott, Anita Baker, Jennifer Holiday, et al the other divas too. You should have heard me screaming "Help Me Make It Through The Night" by Gladys Knight...I was in a foul place earlier this evening. Of course then I broke out the Gospel...Kirk Franklin, Shirley Caesar, The Winans, etc etc, then I snapped out of it.

Since Spring is here, I'm cooped up in the house with a bad case of cabin fever and boredom. I'm missing He Who Must Not Be Named something fierce, but I refuse to backpedal, and am sticking to my ground. Loneliness can be a bitch. With my healing, I'm not supposed to be out much, besides who wants to chat up a guy gimping around in crutches? Crutches ain't sexy unless you're a football player, LOL! Naw, I guess I'm just feeling down on myself because I've been doing a lot of contemplation about my future. I feel the crunch coming on and not having someone around to share my latter days.

My past relationships have been "experiences." Some have been downright scandalous disasters! Yet, I bless them all, even the ones that ended badly. However, my life path doesn't seem headed to any one direction at this moment. I'm pondering where are my next steps, who will hold my hand, how do I overcome fear, doubt and shame. How will life respond to me if I have to stand alone? No one wants to be alone. Even psychopaths direct their behavior to draw attention to themselves. Humans are social creatures.

Mostly troubling me is I've been wondering how I'm ever going to manage summon the courage to inform my family about my sexuality (there's a blog post coming, that Greg and I have been discussing. When I do blog it, I would like a lot of feedback. I find it interesting and wonder how commonplace the situation is... Save that for future topics. Soon!). I'm usually not one to cower or be fearful with regard to my family, but my family is extremely religious, and since I have difficulty reconciling my faith and my sexuality, I can't imagine what that will be like for them. I don't want to find myself ostracized.

There are some days when it seems a necessary step to my further growth. On other occasions, I have the "Devil may care" attitude and refuse to let it trouble me. In truth, I know in my heart its a discussion coming within the next year, especially if I settle down with a guy. I'm not playing "oh that's my roommate" games at age 40! Please, as if that evah fools anyone either!

Moreover with my morose thinking today, I just feel the residual of missed opportunity. Going home last weekend, seeing friends I went to high school with, some who are now grandparents...life happened so fast. I still feel 18! Why has 20 years passed me by? What do I have to show for my life? What challenges have I really conquered? I know, I know, I know. Everyone goes through this. I only hope and pray this is not beginning to cycle into my next mid life crisis (Eek! I can honestly admit I'm at mid-life now! FUUUUUUUCK! LOL!)

Moving on, moving on, moving on...

Tomorrow I would like to dedicate an important post for a new found friend from My Space, author Rodney Lofton. I've been in communication with him, and he really is a decent fellow (and handsome as hell too)! He's published his life journey, to date, last year in the book "The Day I Stopped Being Pretty." I'd work on the post tonight, but being in the wrong frame of mind, tired, and self-absorbed, I should rest. Sleeping rejuvenates my spirit (more than my mood music). Sleeping and food!

Oy! Such a "fagaleh" you are Ian! See, I'm coming round slowly...