Even More.
People who know me rather well are aware I've spent a significant part of my gay life lusting after Latino/Hispanic and Caucasian (White) men. What most people don't know, but to me seems fairly obvious to me, is this expression comes/came from a deep sense of self loathing and denial of my own nature. This doesn't mean I wasn't, nor
today, am not proud to be an African American man. Rather, it expresses from my own life experiences struggling to accept myself as a whole person, conquering shame and doubt. To rise above the sense of feeling like a second- or third-class citizen.
I have issues not only about my own body, but magnanimous issues with the negativity poured upon being a Black male in this country. I often felt in my life if I acted a certain way or engaged in non-stereotypical Black male activities, people would accept me more. My inadequacy stems from a childhood filled with negative experiences in relating to my seemingly ambivalent father and Black men who viewed me as defunct and useless person simply because I was a heavyset child, not overly into sports and other preconceived notions of what a young Black boy should be. This impressed upon me that it was wrong to love myself and my culture.
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