I ponder...Life seems to be doling out some interesting, yet poignant, lessons these last few days. I'm not sure what some of the meanings are, but I know in my spirit none of these events going on are meant to bring me down, only raise me up to my higher self.
Last week I had to deal with a sudden illness of a family member that threw me for an unexpected loop. Don't wanna go into too many details, but it made me aware of how fragile and precious life is... that in any given moment, someone can be taken from you without warning. Scary.
I've also been dealing with some other losses that I'm diligently putting my best smile on my face; staying resoundingly positive. Yet inside, the evil monster wants to act a fool. Certainly not cute. I don't let the undignified me out too often. He's much more difficult to handle than my everyday happy-go-lucky self. Mmm. Naw. I'm just gonna keep a low profile until the tide pulls away and I can be the Ian folks need me to be. Isn't that what I always do? LOL.
So I'm wondering now what are my next steps in life. I've been examining what I've done so far, looking analytically at the mistakes made, and attempting to not make the same ones twice (thrice or so-forth). At least I finally learned life is not the end destination, but the journey in-between, so I feel good about some of the lessons. My inner child though wants to embrace and hold on to the positive and eschew all things negative, keeping safe from harm. Adult me realizes you have to take the bad with all its negative and nastiness, shape it in an example of growth, and move on. Yeah, so I keep trying to tell myself.
There are times when my insecurities take over and I forget my own strength. Or I allow someone else to dictate who I should be. At 41 this is more than cumbersome, it's quite juvenile and tiiiiiired. I'm waiting for the days when things flow easily like the wind and change is just as commonplace as the sun rising and setting...
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