There isn't much to say about Napoleon's visit this past weekend 'cept it was an emotional experience. As quickly as he whizzed into town, just as fast, Napoleon stepped into his car and zoomed out again. I'm not sure what to make of it. The ordeal bears need for further examination.
What is it about an old love that can send you spiraling backwards, making the same foolish, stupid mistake you once did? Hmm? I ask you. Fortunately, my spirit has grown since our break up, and is more anchored. From the moment I got the call he was headed over Friday night, I knew I wouldn't be backsliding too much. I allowed myself a little room for error though. No other man in my life has swayed me like Naps. He was my rock and a blessing when I needed him. But he's immature and incredibly selfish too. You'll be proud of me. There was no sexin' going on, but that doesn't mean I wasn't tempted the whole weekend. I'm no one's booty call anymore! I've grown up. LOL
The first three hours of his visit consisted of me yelling, and I hollering, as loud as I could. I'm surprised my neighbors didn't call the cops. Tapped into reserved pockets of bitterness, anger, disappointment, and hurt, I said things that were months in the developing. Nasty stuff. Every explicative in my vocabulary, and then some, was used. I was so irritated at him! Irritation doesn't begin to describe the depth of my feelings. My fuse was lit and there wasn't any dousing it. Our fight months back hurt me.
Yet, "that which does not kill me, makes me strong."
Eventually, I worked threw my emotions, then allowed him to present his case. Surprisingly, he admitted his wrong doing, his mistakes, his flaws. He event offered to pay the money back he owed me. I knew Napoleon didn't have it, so I left him off the hook. We spent the remainder of the evening, into the wee hours, talking and smoking cigarettes. Mainly, I didn't trust him in my home. I have a tendency to sleep like a rock and I know as sure as I'll be black till the day I die, he'd have been all through my shit. Trust is earned and once broken, it takes Heaven and Earth to get it back. With Napoleon sitting on the right hand side of Loki, it doesn't seem plausible our friendship will return to what it was, and never, back to lovers.
So much is still unresolved. We did establish a tentative friendship, which means he has to reestablish my trust and security. Until then, I told him point blank I was keeping him at arms length. We talked. I owed it, not so much for him, but myself, to hear an explanation why our friendship went south. Before we became more than friends, he was someone I valued in my life. He was like a brother. Our fight took a joy from my spirit. Truth be told, I missed his presence in my life. Oh Hell no! There's no way I could let Napoleon in full time now! Too much damage has been done. Too much trust broken. But you never know. IF he proves to me he has his life back together and on the right path, there's always the possibility....
More later.
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