...There's so much to lose.
Just a quick post before bed time. This evening got away from me and I only accomplished a third of all the things I set out to do. My mood is dejected tonight because I'm feeling lonely in this world of mine. It was a chaotic day, complicated by plans I want to engage in within the next few weeks.
For my birthday and Christmas presents, my parents paid for a cruise for me on Royal Caribbean for a nine day excursion to the Bahamas, Bermuda, St. Thomas, St. Marten, Puerto Rico and a few other islands. I had applied for my passport shortly around the beginning of the year and cashed in part of my retirement so I'd have spending money. Both ventures would take some time to process, I understood this. My passport has not come and when I checked the US Department of State website, they have no record of my application being processed.
Further still, I also checked on the status of my retirement account and that has not been completed yet as well. I went into panic mode and have been dreary ever since.
Today's lesson is one in patience. I called the people who hold my retirement funds, PSERS, the Public School Employees' Retirement System, and blasted the representative on the other line. Feeling frustrated, irritated,and despondent, I proceeded to read the riot act to this poor man who was only trying to help me. In the end, I apologized to him and expressed my sympathy for what he does. I should've know better. I work in a similar situation where people can call upon me daily for assistance with state programs to improve the quality of their lives. I understand how annoying it is to have someone on the other line who refuses to be pacified or allow you to seek resolution for their demands. I was embarrassed at the end of the day because several of my coworkers witnessed my meltdown. Normally, I'm an easy-going mind mannered fellow, but when I get riled up, watch out Nelly! I was more than livid about my struggle with this impending trip.
Part of the problem is my trip is scheduled over Memorial Day weekend and to say I've been excited about this sojourn is an understatement. Feeling like this house of cards is about to collapse threw me into a quandary beyond belief. I attempted contacting the US Department of State, but they have a voice recorded message that will not allow you to speak with a representative unless your trip is two weeks away. Mine is scheduled to sail in a little over five weeks. So what to do? My good sister-girl friend told me to relax and put my trust in God, saying, "If this trip is meant to be, it's meant to be. No one can undermine God." That's true, however, given human nature, I worry about things. My faith has been found wanting in the past and this situation is no exception.
My other dilemma is I spent a greater part of the day communicating with Linus through e-mail and instant messenger. OK. This was bad because when he had contacted me the other day, I had no intention of contacting him back. However, he has multiple ways of getting a hold of me and sent a distressed e-mail to my work e-mail. It moved me and I felt compelled to write him back. Without getting into all the sordid details, Linus is intending to end things with Napoleon in the near future. As explained, their relationship has fundamental problems at its core. Conversing with Linus, I felt guilt beyond belief, because knowing that I contributed in the detriment in their relationship by sleeping with Naps on more than several occasions, I found myself pleading Napoleon's case for Linus not to break up with him. What am I crazy????
Linus is seeing other guys, albeit discreetly. I've seen him at the local watering holes several times with some guy. I'm a sneaky bitch and know how to quickly duck for cover while spying. I disclosed to Linus I knew the real deal, but did so in a way that didn't confess my own adulterous liaisons with Napoleon. Overall, I encouraged Linus to sit down with Naps and figure what they want to do with their situation.
My guilt tonight is compounding by the minute. I've been keeping myself occupied so not to give thought to how I placated what they have going. It also gave me good cause to reevaluate what could potentially be if I got involved with Napoleon. I don't want to be someone's father, nor do I want to be taken advantage of, robbed, lied to, or cheated upon. Naps is a good person a heart, but he can be selfish, immature, and insensitive when he's in self-absorbed mode.
Again, what to do? I feel shitty. I mean I'm 37 years old. I feel I've been thrust back to junior high! Or at least, playing a sleazy role on an episode of of the Young & the Restless. God Rest Drusilla's soul, but she's not dead, dammit!!!
Over the weekend I need to sort out my own feelings. I'm headed down to the Philadelphia area to see my parents and might have to make a side trip to visit Naps in his new digs. He started his orientation today and I'm curious to see how he's settling in. Am I a bad person for wanting not be alone for the rest of my life? I've been in some disastrous situations myself and I totally fucked up my last good relationship with someone I should be married to. That wasn't too much my fault, given the fact I'm bisexual. Most women don't want a man who's interested in men too. It's too much competition. Shhhhhhhhhhhit. Where am I going?????
