The Broken

So in speaking with a close friend last night, I relayed that I am very tired....spiritually, physically, emotionally...and I don't have much to give these days. It's sad when you wake more exhausted than when you went to bed. These next couple of weeks are going to be tough because I sense I'm entering into one of my funks. Ill timed, this funk will overlap the Holiday Season, which is probably the worst time for me to be experiencing any mental health crisis.

Usually I enjoy the Holiday Season, but as I grow older and the solid fact I am alone in many ways...not just in a relationship, but in family situations too, makes it harder to get all gleeful and ecstatic about this time of year. I kinda am losing my faith and diligence with church/faith, although I still believe the Creator has a Plan for me (my inner Six told me so, so I believe!), but I just am worn out. Completely. I'm faking it, going through the motions, and nothing really is worthy of writing home about. Nada.

One particular highlight of my day is when I get the chance to chat with my friend, they usually can snap me outta my moroseness, but therein is a whole 'nother mess I really don't feel like discussing. So, that said, I mentioned to them last night that each day becomes increasingly that much hard to throw me feet over the edge, and place on the flo', and get the day going. It's just the same old shit.

I'm working overtime to try and save up money for the Holidays and my birthday vacation, but then my job decided to fuck us real good by pulling a fast one. Can't explain that sitch for obvious reasons...only that I'm just about ready to turn in my papers and go flip some burgers. Being chained to a desk, besieged all day with exhausting work that's like a never ending tide, wears on a person after awhile. Don't get me wrong I like the work I do, just not how the system operates. Hmm. I love to be able to sit in my office all day long and have my employees wonder what i do all day, while I deligate work to everyone else, come in late, leave early...but lemme stop. You know shit always gets back. But it if does, oh well. I ain't mentioned not one damn name.... Far as any of you know, I could be working for the Obama Administration...in which case I would love and adore my boss...but naw. I'm just an average peon. Or is it pee-on? Hmph!

Anyhoo. It's still early this morning and I'm gonna try to get a few more winks before having to get up and face yet another day of overload...I'm just fucking exhausted.

Moody

Wow this makes several new posts in only two days. What's going on here Q-bert? I'm just pittering at the keyboard because I'm a mood. I won't go on the usual rant, just babble a bit. Tonight I probably will go to bed early and crawl up into a tight ball in bed. Everything is outta whack right now. I'm might not be able to go to LA after all, and a lot things have just been nagging the fuck at me lately, despite my best efforts to keep a fortified attitude. I'm just annoyed.
Ah well, nobody likes a grump, especially when it goes on and on, so I will just quit blogging for tonight and rest. I doubt I will rest. My refuge of late is not so much a comfort, just a reminder to make changes. Yep.

So how was your day?

Crash and Burnt

....Um. I guess I messed up! *gulp* But it's all good. Never say and old fool can't learn from mistakes, and I just made a huuuuuge mistake. LOL.

I always believe that if you put good intentions ahead of you and work diligently, well, the Universe would smile favorably upon you. Uh no. Nice guys finish last baby. Piss or be pissed on... that's the lesson. Say it with me Ian.

Uh no. Not gonna do it...yet I find myself wondering if having hope is just a sense of delusional thinking. Hmm. Oh I'll be thinking about this all day.

For now, I have a job to do. So let me do it....

What's Been Going On...

Been a while since I sat down to pen my thoughts on what's been going on... not that I haven't wanted to, but the last time I talked to my dear big brother Corey, he gave me a kind, yet firm schooling. Since that time, whenever I go to commiserate my life situation, I hear Corey's voice in the background telling to "stop comparing." It's halted me a number of times in my tracks from pulling up the laptop and dictating my journey. Believe me though, you haven't missed much.

Life has reach a point where I'm at a few crossroads and have choices to make. Not sure what I need to do, but I'll have my answers soon enough. There have been some trial and error moments, issues that have bubbled to the surface and struggling to make ends meet. As Corey put it, "It's just too much drama." So without my drama, I find I have nothing significant to write about. Not so though.

Recently I saw a blogger posted a video of gospel artist Donnie McClurkin calling gay folks "vampires" and other manner of evil. Now I won't go in on Donnie like so many of my contemporaries, but I will say I have given thoughts on some of his comments and can, to an extent, see his point of view. But one must remember, in his own life situation, there is much self-hatred and disdain for his own self, so to me its understandable why he would make such accusations. Donnie is just as gay as the rest of us GBM/SGL folk. One man's opinion does not make something true or so.

However, in conversation with the ever fabulous Stella Della and the Pharaoh, I've been analyzing the concept of the "homosexual" vampire. It's something I would like to explore in thought on the blog in the next few days, but I need to work out the words in my head. I promise to write a little each day until I get my own opinion written.

In other plans, I'm pleased to announce plans to celebrate my impending 40th birthday have been set....I'm headed to the West Coast to experience Vegas and LA. Wow! I'm soooo excited. Doesn't take much, but at the same token, I do have some reservation about going to the land of "beautiful people" when I feel like a troll myself. It's the weight issues that have bubbled to the surface. It all falls in-line with my thoughts regarding Donnie's vampire remark. It'll make sense once I get into it.

That's all for now. I promise to be more diligent in my posting. Just been going through my changes APU (as-per-usual) and not wanting to come across as Mr. Sad Sack 2009.