The First Priority

..is to oneself and perhaps only to God. Everyone else will let you down in the long run.

No, I am not in a mood again... well, not in the way you might think. Just having a wake-up call this week and putting into perspective where to pick up the pieces or perhaps, just start all over again. I'm going with the latter rather than the former. Let what has fallen to the wayside stay there. There's nothing in particular I'm referencing, just generalized thoughts here.

I suppose this week was a blessing. Hell, I've been told every day is a blessing, so yeah... it was. But as an ally in the cause told me, "You got alotta love to give Ian, stop wasting time on foolishness and do the damn thing." Bet. Well, there are things we want to do, and things we dread to do, but I'm take each day in segments. Not one day at a time, but one hour at a time. That's all I can do for now.

On that note, I think my foray with this blogging adventure might be coming to a close soon. I don't have much to offer in terms of wisdom, especially when I don't follow it my damn self. LOL. But Ego and Pride are telling to hold on to hopes and dreams when reality is shoveling something else in my face. Wish I had answers to the questions I seek, but they will unfold in time. One hope I'm holding on to, and that life has a greater purpose for me than what I have right now.

Talking a bit cryptic today, but my mind is working in oddities so, believe, it doesn't make sense to me either....

Yawn and a stretch...

Haven't been blogging because there hasn't been anything blog worthy to discuss, my life is too dull. All the relationships prospects have fizzled... the one I thought might have been a potential, I guess he kinda set me straight the other day... sad inna way, the guy was really sweet.

Anyhoo, my Phillies made it to a second World Series, which is well-deserved. I think the team had to make it this year for Harry's sake, God Rest his soul.

Other than that, nothing new going on, just working. Hope things are more exciting in your world peeps.

Didn't....

Getting through today was really difficult. You didn't have to tell me twice it was time to pack up my shizz and go home, but now that I'm home, I'm wondering why I was in such a rush to get outta there?!?! I'm coming home to an empty house, too many chores and tasks to do, too little motivation to do.

Hmm. I really should put the Da Doo Dirty Show on and pray DJ is really on a rant. I feel bitchy. I feel sad. I feel conflicted. Been stirring the pot a little lately with a friend, digging deeper with issues I've never spoken on. Not sure to comment on where that has my head.

I really find myself with little to blog about these days. Life is so uninteresting and vapid. Sure last weekend I was on a high because I go to talk to my little pet Cylon, but that's a whole 'nother story. CrazySexyCool is still all those things...and perhaps more. Gotta be grateful for those late night discussions. Lord though, I need sleep. I'm not calling anybody and not to be ig, but I hope nobody calls me. I'm gonna sit down and watch a good movie tonight, maybe do blog post, and come up with the reinvention of Ian. Baby, things are a mess, but I ain't speaking on it. Uh-uh. Too much. LOL.

Be encouraged mes amis. I'm trying to be...

Positive Vibes

Good morning folks. I'm up this morning trying to figure out if I should go back to work today or not. I feel better this morning, but I don't want to rush things neither. I should just go and see how I feel and take it from there. If I do, need to get ready soon.

Hey, it's Friday! Cool. Was just reading on the new dress code policy at Morehouse College. I many respects I agree with it and others I don't. Whatever. Doesn't affect me in the slightest. I'm a grown ass man. However the part on no "grillz" and no saggin' pants I think is long overdue edict!

Oh, the President won the Noble Peace Prize! Wow, didn't even know 44 was up it. Already, folks are bitching about this. Plus the nomination of a gay ambassador to Samoa & New Zealand has drawn fire from others, saying all manner of comments. I'll refrain from expressing opinion. Just sad.

My last thought this morning, and I suppose this a blessing, is I'm very thankful for my good friends, both on the 'Net and Real time, who've been great supporters and champions. Folks like Della, Corey, Aus, Pharaoh, and a few other folks. Hope you make the most of your weekend....

Broken Clocks Are Right 2 Times Per Day..

So I've been sick the last few days and nothing has gotten accomplished around the house, nothing done except me laying around like Jabba the Hutt on my dais all day long. Ho hum. Actually, I crossed a threshold or two with a few important areas. Enough to say I'm rectifying a mistake. Or mistakes. I'll leave it at that. But No, I told Della I was going to sleep. Told CrazySexCool that too, but I laid on the mattress for like a minute...had to raise up outta that bed. But I don't feel chatting no more. Can't call CrazySexCool back because I definitely don't want him thinking I'm tripping. We had a lil disagreement over a topic I shall refrain from sharing. For that matter, nothing discussed today can come on this blog. LOL. It's too complicated to say why...

But anyhoo, there is some good news, another SOMETHING I can't discuss! Shit. Do I need to make a blog nobody reads to write what's on my mind?!?! ROFL. Hm. That's a good idea. But wait, aren't those just called journals???? Nah. Where's the sense of verbal exhibitionism? I suppose there is a side of me that trips on sharing my ups and downs. Hmph. But anyway, all the events that were significant and blog-worthy, gotta stay within their respective places. But I can elude to this much, there is a new dawn (?) coming and with that dawning comes a SIGNIFICANT paradigm shift.

Moving on... Now my biggest issue is wrestling with the decision do I go to work tomorrow or not. I feel better, but I should make sure I feel 100% before I return. What I wouldn't give to be 16 again for a year. No responsibilities, no pressures, ....no men! The bane and boon to existence, right? Fair enough though, you can't fault that which is established and created when you built the foundation on a slippery slope to begin with. So the begins starts with the end. But anyway, sorry, my mind is working in a thousand circles, trying to process several things.

Is New York nice in the fall????

Proclamation

My soul hurts this morning. I don't feel like getting ready for work or dealing with anyone else and their problems today. I'm tired, exhausted really, drained from the demands going on within my heart and soul...worn out. Dammit, I'm feeling physically run down and tired of chasing my tail or jumping through hoops for naught. What's wrong with you brother?!?! Get it together!

Didn't get enough sleep last night, another night of fretful sleep, only wake up more tired than when my head hit the pillow. E.J. dropped in last night unexpected and of course at the saw time as my celly rang with CrazySexyCool calling. I called CSC back after E.J. left, let him talk his smoothness in my ear to lull me into peaceful restful thoughts. Mind you, I didn't say he bored me, just allowed myself to ease off the masks I usually keep on during the day. It's easy with CSC to just be real and not have to front about a damn thing. So many try to run game on you, it's just nice to be able to act in accord with who you are and NOT who somebody else wants you to be. Alas, that's my fault because Ian is a people pleaser...but you knew that already?

So looking at the reality of what's going on in my world, everyone of late keeps asking what's going on? My answer? Nothing much. I work. I come home. Might talk to a few folks. Then I retire, get up and start the process all over again. Boring, I know, but such is as it has to be... for now.

Looking ahead to my 40th birthday, a good friend asked me if I was anxious or upset about entering the new decade. I answered as honestly as I could, saying I just hope they are calmer than my thirties. Going at this game alone hasn't been and isn't easy, but I am reclaiming myself and if along the way something good falls into place, so be it. The most difficulty notion to dismiss is that I am not the person I thought I would be, but have all the potential to be the person I could be. The key is patience, something I'm not good at. It's the lesson CrazySexyCool is teaching me, whether he knows it or not (he will know now...he reads my blog). I admire CSC because has so much he doesn't see about himself that I wish I had. But then again, I suppose the same could be said about yours truly. Why is it we never see the things others see in ourselves?

The Search Is Over

So Crush # 1, henceforth to be known as CrazySexyCool, and I were chatting up on the phone this afternoon. He's being dubbed CSC because he's being downgraded (upgraded, really) to awesome friend... the crush has fizzled, but we're developing an nice little friendship which is most refreshing. Not to get all Aesop-ish, but the grapes were probably sour anyway. LOL.

The reason I bring him up is I've decided to hang up the search for someone for a long time and just delight in myself. Not something I would to do, but something I just have to do. I will leave it at that. Please don't leave comments saying well it's good to be by yourself, the right will come along, you just need to be patient,yadda yadda yadda ...

Yeah, all true, but when you find yourself being the fifth or seventh wheel perpetually, after awhile you do start to think things. So, rather than torture myself, I figure if I give don't look (notice I didn't say give up) maybe I can just fall in love with myself and say fuck it to dating? LOL. It's really overrated, given all the people I know who are and they're all having problems out the wazoo.

10/1/2009

Welcome back. Thanks for sticking around. I've received a few messages these last few days so i must continue to push this venture forward...It's a brand new month, brand new day, brand new attitude. I hope. So much to catch you up on. My forays into find a decent relationship are going on hiatus. Will explain that later. The crush-factor has now turned into really, really good friends factor...probably a good thing. Crush # 1 is a mess, but gets me and is non judgmental. Oh there ain't a chance in hell anything is evah gon' jump off, but I feel like I gained a brother rather than a lover. Boyfriends come and go, but a brother that has your back, is priceless...

Stay tuned later tonight. I got shit to do around the house for now. On my only day off this week, I need to do all the things normally reserved for the weekends. Next weekend is DC provided I can catch up with Scott747 and crash at his pad. I'm excited though. I feel like there is a purpose afoot....