Thursday, April 19, 2007
...There's so much to lose.
Just a quick post before bed time. This evening got away from me and I only accomplished a third of all the things I set out to do. My mood is dejected tonight because I'm feeling lonely in this world of mine. It was a chaotic day, complicated by plans I want to engage in within the next few weeks.
For my birthday and Christmas presents, my parents paid for a cruise for me on Royal Caribbean for a nine day excursion to the Bahamas, Bermuda, St. Thomas, St. Marten, Puerto Rico and a few other islands. I had applied for my passport shortly around the beginning of the year and cashed in part of my retirement so I'd have spending money. Both ventures would take some time to process, I understood this. My passport has not come and when I checked the US Department of State website, they have no record of my application being processed.
Further still, I also checked on the status of my retirement account and that has not been completed yet as well. I went into panic mode and have been dreary ever since.
Today's lesson is one in patience. I called the people who hold my retirement funds, PSERS, the Public School Employees' Retirement System, and blasted the representative on the other line. Feeling frustrated, irritated,and despondent, I proceeded to read the riot act to this poor man who was only trying to help me. In the end, I apologized to him and expressed my sympathy for what he does. I should've know better. I work in a similar situation where people can call upon me daily for assistance with state programs to improve the quality of their lives. I understand how annoying it is to have someone on the other line who refuses to be pacified or allow you to seek resolution for their demands. I was embarrassed at the end of the day because several of my coworkers witnessed my meltdown. Normally, I'm an easy-going mind mannered fellow, but when I get riled up, watch out Nelly! I was more than livid about my struggle with this impending trip.
Part of the problem is my trip is scheduled over Memorial Day weekend and to say I've been excited about this sojourn is an understatement. Feeling like this house of cards is about to collapse threw me into a quandary beyond belief. I attempted contacting the US Department of State, but they have a voice recorded message that will not allow you to speak with a representative unless your trip is two weeks away. Mine is scheduled to sail in a little over five weeks. So what to do? My good sister-girl friend told me to relax and put my trust in God, saying, "If this trip is meant to be, it's meant to be. No one can undermine God." That's true, however, given human nature, I worry about things. My faith has been found wanting in the past and this situation is no exception.
My other dilemma is I spent a greater part of the day communicating with Linus through e-mail and instant messenger. OK. This was bad because when he had contacted me the other day, I had no intention of contacting him back. However, he has multiple ways of getting a hold of me and sent a distressed e-mail to my work e-mail. It moved me and I felt compelled to write him back. Without getting into all the sordid details, Linus is intending to end things with Napoleon in the near future. As explained, their relationship has fundamental problems at its core. Conversing with Linus, I felt guilt beyond belief, because knowing that I contributed in the detriment in their relationship by sleeping with Naps on more than several occasions, I found myself pleading Napoleon's case for Linus not to break up with him. What am I crazy????
Linus is seeing other guys, albeit discreetly. I've seen him at the local watering holes several times with some guy. I'm a sneaky bitch and know how to quickly duck for cover while spying. I disclosed to Linus I knew the real deal, but did so in a way that didn't confess my own adulterous liaisons with Napoleon. Overall, I encouraged Linus to sit down with Naps and figure what they want to do with their situation.
My guilt tonight is compounding by the minute. I've been keeping myself occupied so not to give thought to how I placated what they have going. It also gave me good cause to reevaluate what could potentially be if I got involved with Napoleon. I don't want to be someone's father, nor do I want to be taken advantage of, robbed, lied to, or cheated upon. Naps is a good person a heart, but he can be selfish, immature, and insensitive when he's in self-absorbed mode.
Again, what to do? I feel shitty. I mean I'm 37 years old. I feel I've been thrust back to junior high! Or at least, playing a sleazy role on an episode of of the Young & the Restless. God Rest Drusilla's soul, but she's not dead, dammit!!!
Over the weekend I need to sort out my own feelings. I'm headed down to the Philadelphia area to see my parents and might have to make a side trip to visit Naps in his new digs. He started his orientation today and I'm curious to see how he's settling in. Am I a bad person for wanting not be alone for the rest of my life? I've been in some disastrous situations myself and I totally fucked up my last good relationship with someone I should be married to. That wasn't too much my fault, given the fact I'm bisexual. Most women don't want a man who's interested in men too. It's too much competition. Shhhhhhhhhhhit. Where am I going?????
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
Tonight's posting is just going to bare bones. I'm not in a creative mood, mainly because I've been up since 4 AM this morning and my brain is ready to turn to mush. A few quick points.
-I talked to Linus several times today with interesting results. I will have to blog about this when I have the proper frame of consciousness. There are some interesting developments.
-Napoleon is at his new digs and is settling in. I also talked to him tonight. Given the discussion with Linus today, there are also new developments. Ugh! I feel move moves on this chess board have been faulty....Rook takes Queen, indeed.
-Idol was definitely a nail-biter tonight. I had myself all worked up into a frenzy, just knowing LaKeisha was going home tonight. I was very relieved when I heard Sanjaya's name. I felt bad then because he cried and showed some tenderness reminding he still is just a boy in this harsh, cruel, man's world. Ease up America, weren't we all a little mischievous in our youth? He's gotten such a bad rap.
-The Neville factor is coming! The Neville factor is coming! The Neville factor is coming! Beware of strange men with bad haircuts and poor posture...hey wait a minute?!?! OK, just checking....
More tomorrow for now I need to put my black arse in the bed!
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Recently doing to commute home from work I was listening to the radio discussing the plight of the African American community in Pennsylvania and across the country. The discussion talked about how there needs to be more unity amongst the religions in the our community. My interested was piqued when they mention how Minister Louis Farrakhan was enlisted to speak locally. I cringed after that and the argument washed away from my ears. I have nothing against the Nation of Islam, but when it comes to organized religion and the view on homosexuality, I turn a cold shoulder. Most religions feels gays are going to Hell.
I spent years attempting to reconcile my faith with my sexuality and STILL am coming to terms with it. It's difficult when you wer told predominantly throughout life your life has no value because of who you're attracted to. There are some Christian denominations that practice "Hate the Sin, Love the Sinner," yet even these denominations tend to cast judgment on same gender loving persons. At times, I've felt like a second class citizen and wonder, what does God really think? Oh sure people will cite the Bible and point out scripture after scripture allegedly condemning homosexual conduct. I believe in the Bible and what it has to say, but where I stop listening is when people quote the Bible incorrectly to assert their own cause.
I was raised in a church that taught scripture must be compare upon itself. Meaning, you don't read one passage of the Bible and hold on to it a the exact picture. The Bible has so many hidden meanings that you MUST read it carefully to understand its meaning and even then I think some of it depends on a matter of person interpretation. People who read the Bible straight through without understanding a word of it are useless. I once read the Bhagavad Gita for as philosophy class and I didn't understand a word of it. Did that make me an expert to wax divine the Hindu word of their faith. Hells no!
There is a piece of scripture that gives me comfort.
"Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you."
If God allegedly hates same gender loving people, why would He, who knew how we would turn out to be, create us? Why would God allow us to become the individuals we are if He did not love us and care for us? I know people talk about free will and Satan, but I honestly don't believe God would create someone who could not enter the Kingdom of Heaven. It's the perpetual dangling the carrot in front of the mule that never achieves eating it. God is perfect in His Being and Perfection does not create mistakes. Modern Christian denominations would have you believe homosexuality is a mistake.
I fail to understand people who teach that Christ and God are love, yet preach hate destruction against gays and lesbians. I most passages pertaining to homosexuality deal with a moral code that was in place under the Jewish Law in the Old Testament. God never gave heterosexuals the license to run amok and be amoral. I realize he intended the same thing for same sex couples. Sure homosexual sex does not procreate, which many justify against homosexuality; God said to be fruitful and multiply. OK, sure He did. But then by definition, what does this mean for heterosexuals who are incapable of have children? Are they sinners??? No, this will lead into why I think the LGBT community has the God given right to marry and also adopt children. Heterosexual couples who cannot naturally reproduce adopt, right? Why couldn't a gay or lesbian couple?
Most recently I found an interesting website that backs up most of my point I'm attempting to explain. Go here and check out what it has to say. I don't entirely agree with everything, but it does lend credence that my life has value to the Creator. PLEASE remember that the bible is the INSPIRED word of God through man. It was not dictated, nor was it written in English.
Monday, April 16, 2007
"Some days you get the bear and other days the bear gets you." How true it is. Moodiness has crept into my soul and I'm feeling particularly dark tonight. Perhaps its because of the windy, dreary, damp evening, but tonight feels worse than any case of the "Sunday Blues" I've experienced. Many thoughts are forcing themselves upon me, issues I just don't have the emotional energy to deal with. Despite my best efforts, everything keeps barging to the forefront, wanting to take top priority. I'm not in the mood, dammit.
Where to begin? Nothing unusual occurred during the work day other than I was disheartened to hear about the tragedy at Virginia Tech this afternoon. Chugging through the afternoon, my coworker, Miss Pam, asked if I had heard about the shooting during our afternoon smoke break. Shooting? What shooting??? Suddenly, every tragic shooting that's occurred at a high school or college campus came flooding back to me, I thought to myself, "Shit. Here we go again." My heart goes out to the staff, faculty, students, and families affected by the tragedy. While I'm depressed as hell this evening, the VT shooting spree is another example to treat each day as precious because tomorrow is never a guarantee.
I think I'm besotted with my Napoleon again and the fear his move is going to remove him from my life permanently fills me with much trepidation. I'm angry with myself because I've been on an emotional high, thinking since I confessed my heart, he's a surefire guarantee to become my mate. Incorrect assumption my dear tomahawk! Every now and again, life, the Divine, will speak to you to bring back home to reality. Tonight, yours truly journeyed to K-mart to purchase some items I hadn't gotten during my weekly grocery trip on Saturday. I still had a gift card to use up from Christmas anyway. I got some things for myself and an odd thing or two as a going away gift for Naps. As I headed out to car after my acquisitions, Linus called me on my cellphone. Linus is calling me? LINUS? Why now? Why here? I don't believe in coincidence. This was some kind of omen or epiphany or revelation some how; don't deny that!
So what is the Divine trying to tell me? My heart refuses to answer the question. My intellect is turning the blind eye, but my usually rebellious spirit, is listening and is taking heed. I haven't called Linus back and have no intention to do so. He's a crazy mofo. Everything he does has hidden meaning and purpose and I've learned to be suspicious and extremely weary of him. Possibly, Naps went running to Linus after my confession yesterday? Unlikely, but Napoleon can be vindictive at times and would use my amorous disclosure as leverage against Linus. As I indicated last night, their relationship is tumultuous and volatile quite frequently. I've never seen anything that remotely resembles a loving relationship. More often than not they're either arguing or fucking. Their union lacks compassion and tenderness. Both have suspected the other of cheating. Make no mistake, I admit freely I'm in the wrong for all this because I did help Napoleon to cheat on Linus, but one can't control the dictates of one's heart, one's emotional state of being. At least I can't in this case.
Tomorrow I'm dropping off my departure bounty at the Bonaparte home like the dutiful would-be boyfriend. I'm not sure what to expect, I'll have to blog about it afterwards. Hopefully the visit will go smoothly and without incident, but to be honest, I doubt it. There's never a dull moment when Naps is involved in my life.
At best, I'm frustrated. During my life, I've always was careful not to step out of line and be the dutiful, loyal, obedient son, brother, friend, what have you. But as I confessed to Miss T recently, I'm tired of playing it safe. I'm taking a risk and going after what I want. Sure it isn't the best venture to enter into, but I could see building a future with this man and make it successful. He's not just "Mr Right Now." Napoleon wasn't just a quick hop in the sack, and then me out to sojourn for another meaningless lay. No. This man-child, for whatever reason, has given me security, hope, and deep passion I never anticipated I'd feel. Napoleon set me free (to a certain extent)!His keys have unshackled emotions locked away, ones too frightening to experience previously. I don't have time to worry about how someone else is going to think? I'm not intentionally driving a wedge between Linus and Napoleon's relationship, but I'm not supporting it either.
The other point grinding its axe tonight is a contact on my MySpace profile by one of my fraternity brothers. It took me aback. Whenever someone from my "heterosexual life" contacts me, I regress to that shamed person from many days gone by. There are those still who don't know of my sexual orientation. I'm not ashamed, not embarrassed, just as I said, just taken aback. This frat brother was someone I spent significant time with and if there was anyone who seemed to be accepting of me, it'd be Hometown. He was three or four pledge classes under me, I sincerely forget.
I don't do the frat thing anymore, rarely, if ever keeping contact with any of my frat brothers. Years later, I've realized I pledged the wrong fraternity and did so for completely all the wrong reasons. I was seeking external cohesiveness, but my fraternity experience failed to deliver. I was never really sold on the bonds of brotherhood thing and never able to make the connection with most of the Brotherhood. Fraternities, today, seem to be an exercise in power and to allow straight men to play on their own homo-curiosities. Genuinely, I believe I was aware I was the deer in the lions' den, the lone homo in the midst of overly horny, heterosexual men, in my fraternity. Well not the lone homo, there are at least four I know who played both sides of the fence, but they were so straight-acting, no one would ever dare contemplate them committing a homosexual act unless you were in the know. Me? A friend pointed out it's fairly obvious about my sexual tastes. Really?
A good friend of mine from a rival fraternity confessed several years after graduation he had slept with at least three of my frats. Interesting. One of those brothers, "Fozzie," was the dream of every woman on campus that knew him. DoJo and I laugh about it today when we hear he got married and had several kids. We know the the truth. He really is a LAMBDA boy.
I don't have lasting, longingly memories from my days as a frat boy. Sure there plenty of good times associated around my fraternity, but when I look back, they involve my social group outside of the Greek system. Sometimes I wonder, should I've pledged at all??? If Doctor Who gave me a lift in his TARDIS, I'm not sure if I would go back and remedy my present dilemma.There is value in learning from our past misdeeds, even if we have to suffer to some degree.
Hitting closer still, with my sexuality, is this is the year I've decided to completely come out to my family. I'm scared as hell to do this because I'm afraid of the ramification after I take that step. Only one who knows my mother and stepfather can understand my plight. Miss T and I were talking about it tonight and she's deeply troubled over how the matter will go down. My family is not one to be understanding or even to discuss what's blatantly before them. We have too may secrets. Too many. There are mysteries about my family I've never shared with anyone outside my family, and that's deep, because people who know me, know I'm very open about mostly everything. Everything that is except issues involving the inner Tomahawk and my dark familial past.
Sexuality be damn to anyone else! I'm out in my own world. My coworkers know, my friends know, my professional associates know, it's not something to hide. I don't go wearing the rainbow flag or anything, but I'm not one for backing down about who I am. "I am that I am." I chose that as the title for this post because all of these concerns tie together somehow. The Divine is speaking to me, I just haven't figured out the message yet.
Sunday, April 15, 2007
I'm taking a break from my post on The Tribe of One series. I originally intended that to be one complete post, but it was getting long. I will resume with it tomorrow. I've taken to writing things out before I actually blog them so that as I type, I can correct the text or make it sound like I really know what the hell I'm talking about.
"I love him, I do!" The title of this post comes from Jerry McGuire, I movie I loosely detest, but felt was appropriate.
OK, this will be brief and I will need to expound on this more tomorrow. I spent the day with Napoleon and I'm sadden because he's going to be moving to Philadelphia on Wednesday. I've known about this for sometime, but was in denial. He's moving for a life changing opportunity and may or may not be back within the foreseeable future. I'm going to miss him very much.
Today I broke down and told Naps how I feel about him, in front of his mother. "Mrs. Bonaparte" was very supportive and was very sweet. She had known anyway, so it wasn't much of a surprise. We talked for some length and as I headed home, proud of myself for emphasizing to Naps I wasn't trying to destroy his relationship with his boyfriend "Linus," but encouraging him to work hard on his goals and motivation. Naps is going through a rocky period with his relationship with Linus, dealing with some trust and fidelity issues. Now a better man would've moved in on the kill. I do have some DIRT on Linus, but I chose the high road and didn't use it against him to pursue my own desire, lest anyone accuse me of coveting Naps. Revealing what I know would not serve Naps and it isn't something he couldn't live without knowing.
I love Napoleon with all my heart. I realized this today how much I want to build a future with him. The story is complicated and I never seem to find proper time to blog about it. If I have time during work tomorrow, I will. For now, know that my heart is full...
Saturday, April 14, 2007
Recently a friend described me as "a tribe of one" after a lengthy conversation. Perhaps this is the most accurate description anyone has said about me in any given years. The world has been difficult to navigate, but slowly but surely, I feel I'm coming into my own person.
My tribe of one status is poignant because I am mostly alone, often without clear categorization socially. Sure, there are labels one could aptly assign me for description; Black, African-American, Person of Color, Bisexual, Queer, Homo, Gay, Faggot, Loyal, Annoying, Faithful, Taxing, on and one, but do these truly give clear insight into the person I am? Some descriptions are accurate, others are negative and damaging. Of those descriptions, they only serve to continue oppression and poor self-esteem and self-worth. Mostly, I often feel a social misfit, terribly alone and reserved when it comes to revealing the core of my personality.
This blog has accomplished two things. It's allowed me to be open and candid about the mundane and everyday going on in my life without fear or criticism. Two, is permits me to be the "me" that my close personal friends know and love. Wielding the Axe is meant to be a semi-anonymous blog, but anyone who knows me well enough will know by reading the blog who the man behind the moniker Darktomahawk really is.
But why am I the tribe of one? Why do I feel socially outcast? While security and comfort are a daily process in constant development, I still have many struggles to overcome. These struggles circulate around sexuality, ethnicity, masculinity, and weight issues, all of which comprise this person before you. None of the struggles have been easy to adapt towards my sojourn to being fully human.
As a young man I was emotionally and sexually abused. This is a fact dawning on many men in American society today. Its traumatic impact deviated and stunted my proper development and left me insecure and yearning to be whole. I've suffered emotional abuse from trusted individuals and sexual abuse from those who sought their own misguided agendas. Life has been about surpassing those incidents, rectifying the wrong and placing myself into the general collectiveness others feel, a part of a group. I've never felt here nor there, belonging to no one particular faction, being an individual, perhaps without uniqueness. My issues are common, but I've been vexed on how to get my self-worth back.
Perhaps the most damaging and horrific abuse came from the hands of my peers and other African American men. Throughout my elementary, middle, and high school years I was constantly tortured by black youth and male teachers for being different. I recall a gym teacher in sixth grade who commented once on how I walked. Until this day, I am self-conscious of how I walk in front of others, making sure it doesn't come of as "swishy" or feminine. In high school, I had a classmate announce in Driver's Ed that I had AIDS (I didn't and don't). There was also the daily harassment riding the bus to school in the morning with the daily ritual of being called a "bitch" or "faggot."
"See that fat faggot there? He has AIDS." No words have ever been etched into my memory than those. I quickly grew to avoid socializing or interacting with black boys when I was a child. Similar incidents occurred to wreak havoc on my masculinity and worth.
My one female cousin who was a year older than me, but was in my graduating class, used to spend time together. We were pretty tight. She worked with me and we often did many extracurricular activities together after school. Mind you, these were activities not associated with school. She was the first person who introduced me to drugs (weed, herb, pot, Mary, Jane, Gange, bud, whatever term you want to call it) and Olde English 800 malt liquor. Her name is the feminine version of my proper name. "Dartomahawka" (not using her/my name, remember, semi-anonymous, right?) and I spent hours getting in mischief, often beguiling my Aunt Lille-Mae to no avail.
One Friday night, "Darktomahawka" and I were headed to a high school football game at Roosevelt, my hometown's local football stadium. As we walked up the street from my house, four ghetto boys from the neighborhood kept called out "Darktomahawkaaaaa," knowing my name from my high school jacket. My cousin kept turning around an yelling back at them "What?!?!" while they only snickered back. We kept on our way. I didn't have the heart to tell her those assholes were really calling out to me, teasing me. This was not a singular event. This had been an on-going happenstance just about everyday during the morning and afternoon bus ride to and from school. I always ignored it, feeling powerless to fight back and defend myself, weary to get "jumped" for being the neighborhood freak.
My solace today is I matured, grew up, and became something with my life. I know at least one of those boys is currently incarcerated, the other ones may be dead due their drug use they did in the 80s. Twenty odd years later, they are more than likely to have had umpteen kids by just as many "baby-mamas," or as my previous assumption, are dead. Black boys, however, weren't the only ones to join in "fun" the tearing down of my esteem.
I'll never forget Christine Hill, a self-righteous, perpetually pregnant, nasty girl I worked with at McDonald's during my sophomore and junior years in high school. I was not out in high school, but on some subconscious level must honed in on other gay boys. A friend of mine, JJJ, worked at McDonald's too. We were tight buddies and I briefly dated his sister for a while. JJJ and I hung out together quite frequently. One day, interestingly enough, JJJ and I were both working in the drive-thru when dear sweet Christine decided to pronounce us a couple of queer bitches and referred to me as "cum-belly."
Again, let's mention I wasn't aware of my sexual desires for men, so where that skank-ho drew her conclusions was unfathomable and still is to this day. Yours truly didn't not become sexually active, by choice anyway, until I was 17 years old, and it had always been with girls (women). Perhaps that greasy bitch had magical powers and gazed in her poor black trash crystal ball and gleamed the future to see the man I am today? Ironically, she was correct. We were a couple of queer bitches. About 6-7 years ago I learned from a friend of mine JJJ had been discharged from the navy due to his homosexuality. I got it from a reliable source, a friend, who is also gay, saw him at a popular gay bar in Philly. Funny, JJJ never seemed queer to me. He always appeared very much into girls. The one girl he dated, for a time, was a close friend of mine. I know they had sex. OFTEN.
Hmmm. I'll have to look JJJ up next year at my 20 Year High School Reunion.
Friday, April 13, 2007
Separating Men from the Boys. There's nothing to be sorry about it. Contrary to the misconception all men are created equal, believe we're not. No I'm not talking about the size of a man's penis. Who really cares as long as it does what it's supposed to do????
No I'm talking about the courage to rise above and exposure your body, heart, and soul to the world. Yes I'm using images of famous celebrities in the nude to illustrate my point. I guess A real man is someone who is willing to take a care and be raw, alone others to see him at his most vulnerable and still be proud of who he is. Not in a boastful manner, but in one that conveys dignity, respect, and honor.
Perhaps I'm in one of those self-reflective moods. Maybe I'm just overly sexually stimulated by Eric Balfour, Lenny Kravitz, David Blaine, Naveen Andrews, and Jude Law, who knows?
Thursday, April 12, 2007
I went to check my Yahoo mail before going to bed and caught this snippet! Wow. I didn't think CBS would have responded they way they've chosen to do so. I'm impressed. It's too late for me to go into a lengthy diatribe...just read the article post from Yahoo News. In other news, one of my favorite authors, Kurt Vonnegut passed away today. Sad.
NEW YORK (AP) — Don Imus' racist remarks got him fired by CBS on Thursday, the finale to a stunning fall for one of the nation's most prominent broadcasters.
Imus was initially suspended for two weeks after he called the Rutgers women's basketball team "nappy-headed hos" on the air last week. But outrage kept growing and advertisers kept bolting from his CBS radio show and its MSNBC simulcast, which was canceled Wednesday.
"There has been much discussion of the effect language like this has on our young people, particularly young women of color trying to make their way in this society," CBS President and Chief Executive Officer Leslie Moonves said in announcing the decision. "That consideration has weighed most heavily on our minds as we made our decision."
Imus, 66, had a long history of inflammatory remarks. But something struck a raw nerve when he targeted the Rutgers team — which includes a class valedictorian, a future lawyer and a musical prodigy — after they lost in the
NCAA championship game.
A spokeswoman for the team said it did not have an immediate comment on Imus' firing. But Imus was scheduled to meet with the team Thursday evening at the governor's mansion in Princeton, N.J., and the team was seen entering the mansion.
He was fired in the middle of a two-day radio fundraiser for children's charities. CBS announced that Imus' wife, Deirdre, and his longtime newsman, Charles McCord, will host Friday's show.
The cantankerous Imus, once named one of the 25 Most Influential People in America by Time magazine and a member of the National Broadcasters Hall of Fame, was one of radio's original shock jocks. His career took flight in the 1970s and with a cocaine- and vodka-fueled outrageous humor. After sobering up, he settled into a mix of highbrow talk about politics and culture, with locker room humor sprinkled in.
He issued repeated apologies as protests intensified. But it wasn't enough as everyone from Hillary Clinton to Barack Obama to Oprah Winfrey joined the criticism.
The Rev.Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson met with Moonves on Thursday to demand Imus' removal.
Jackson called the firing "a victory for public decency. No one should use the public airwaves to transmit racial or sexual degradation."
Said Sharpton: "He says he wants to be forgiven. I hope he continues in that process. But we cannot afford a precedent established that the airways can commercialize and mainstream sexism and racism."
In a memo to staff members, Moonves said the firing "is about a lot more than Imus."
"He has flourished in a culture that permits a certain level of objectionable expression that hurts and demeans a wide range of people," Moonves said. "In taking him off the air, I believe we take an important and necessary step not just in solving a unique problem, but in changing that culture, which extends far beyond the walls of our company."
It's also likely to trigger a wider debate about expression and forgiveness. Some of Imus' fans have pointed to inflammatory statements made by Sharpton and Jackson in the past, or in the lyrics of popular music.
Losing Imus will be a financial hit to CBS Radio, which also suffered when Howard Stern departed for satellite radio. The program earns about $15 million in annual revenue for CBS, which owns Imus' home radio station WFAN-AM and manages Westwood One, the company that syndicates the show nationally. One potential replacement: the sports show "Mike & the Mad Dog," which airs afternoons on WFAN.
The radiothon had raised more than $1.3 million Thursday before Imus learned that he had lost his job. The annual event has raised more than $40 million since 1990.
"This may be our last radiothon, so we need to raise about $100 million," Imus cracked at the start of the event.
Volunteers were getting about 200 more pledges per hour than they did last year, with most callers expressing support for Imus, said phone bank supervisor Tony Gonzalez. The event benefited Tomorrows Children's Fund, the CJ Foundation for SIDS and the Imus Ranch.
Imus, whose suspension was supposed to start next week, was in the awkward situation of broadcasting Thursday's radio program from the MSNBC studios in New Jersey, even though NBC News said the night before that MSNBC would no longer simulcast his program on television.
He didn't attack MSNBC (a unit of NBC Universal, owned by General Electric Co.) for its decision — "I understand the pressure they were under," he said — but complained the network was doing some unethical things during the broadcast. He didn't elaborate.
Sponsors that pulled out of Imus' show included American Express Co., Sprint Nextel Corp., Staples Inc., Procter & Gamble Co. and General Motors Corp. Imus made a point Thursday to thank one sponsor, Bigelow Tea, for sticking by him.
The list of his potential guests began to shrink, too.
Newsweek Editor Jon Meacham said the magazine's staffers would no longer appear on Imus' show. Meacham, Jonathan Alter, Evan Thomas, Howard Fineman and Michael Isikoff from Newsweek have been frequent guests.
Imus has complained bitterly about a lack of support from one black politician, Harold Ford Jr., even though he strongly backed Ford's campaign for Senate in Tennessee last year. Ford, now head of the Democratic Leadership Council, said Thursday he'll leave it to others to decide Imus' future.
"I don't want to be viewed as piling on right now because Don Imus is a good friend and a decent man," Ford said. "However, he did a reprehensible thing."
Imus' troubles have also affected his wife, whose book "Green This!" came out this week. Her promotional tour has been called off "because of the enormous pressure that Deirdre and her family are under," said Simon & Schuster publicist Victoria Meyer.
People are buying it, though: An original printing of 45,000 was increased to 55,000.
Imus still has a lot of support among radio managers across the country, many of whom grew up listening to him, said Tom Taylor, editor of the trade publication Inside Radio.
Rutgers' team, meanwhile, appeared Thursday on "The Oprah Winfrey Show" with their coach, C. Vivian Stringer.
At the end of their appearance, Winfrey said: "I want to borrow a line from Maya Angelou, who is a personal mentor of mine and I know you all also feel the same way about her. And she has said this many times, and I say this to you, on behalf of myself and every woman that I know, you make me proud to spell my name W-O-M-A-N."
Simply because I haven't posted any eye candy lately, I present Wentworth Miller. OK, this is bending the post just a tad because Wentworth is multiracial and not a white boy. Who the Hell cares? He's a handsome guy! Does it matter if he has Egyptian, Black, French, Martian, Vulcan, Klingon, Cardassian, blah, blah, blah in his gene pool???? Just soak in his beauty!
So I took my car into Monro Muffler & Brake Service this morning for my yearly State Inspection. My approximate wait time was anticipated at around three hours. Since my inspection was overdue, I had no other recourse but to sit and cool my heels until it was finished.
It's been bitterly cold and I much rather have been at home in bed. Weather forecasters are calling for a Nor'easter storm for Monday. Ugh! Just when I thought Ol' Man Winter went to pester someone else! That bastard won't ease up.
My mood has been indifferent lately and I moving on plain "existence mode." My thoughts have been swirling around several particular topics, but none has been more concentrated than the Don Imus scandal and the current political standing for next year.
To be honest, I haven't been caught up in the whole Imus ruckus. I was loosely aware he called the Rutger's Women's Basketball team "a bunch of nappy-headed hos," catching snippets from Yahoo News and from listening to the Tom Joyner Morning Show during my morning commute. I chalked it up to another stupid bigot expounding on his dumb viewpoints. This morning I caught the tail end of an interview with Sheila Johnson, former co-owner of BET, and current owner of the WNBA team Seattle Mystics on the TJMS. She was giving commentary on the controversy and the call for his resignation, citing what CBS should and needs to do about the situation. I've heard others talking about steeper punishments to the shock-jock Imus. I read online tonight MSNBC will be dropping his simucast morning broadcast from their morning line up. Other radio stations will also remove his morning show from their regular air time as well.
My concern with this latest racial debacle is no matter what his consequence, will it really make a difference? Will it change his opinion and attitudes towards Blacks? Towards women? Towards the disenfranchised Americans who struggle for the American dream? People seldom change their view point. Even if Don Imus is fired by CBS, which would affect him in his wallet, he'll no doubt recover from the dismissal. He'll eventually find new employment, move on, and in a few months from now, the incident will be erased the American consciousness.
What will Don Imus ultimately learn from this experience? Will he reevaluate his belief system of minority women and men? Will he continue to embrace his current misogynistic prejudiced stance? Imus is described as a shock jock and it is his job in media to stir the thoughts of listeners to contemplate outside the norm. However there are certain lines that should never be crossed, at least from one outside of a specific group or class of people. No matter what happens to Imus, he's a card carrying member of a select group, the Good Ol' Boy Network. At best, I believe he'll serve his suspension and return to broadcasting with a simple slap on the wrist. C'mon. Let's face facts, being a Caucasian male in the United States often means Carte Blanche to almost anything. Vice President Dick Cheney is a firm example of "Good Ole Boy" freedom and mentality.
Cheney, the least visible Vice President during my lifetime, had his involvement with Halliburton controversy. During his term as Veep, he incredulously shoots a friend during a hunting trip and receives no moral repercussions or censure from the Politicos in Washington. Oh He shot a man, oh well. He's the Vice President? Am I the only person to think something is wrong with the second most powerful person in our nation's government shooting someone and no one cares?!? The attitude was completely laisez-faire! It's just one example of white male power. I should clarify too, white male power extends to those in the media, political arena, or big business. Translation: White men with money, political involvement, and social status!
Recently I had a conversation at work about the next Presidential election in 2008. I firmly believe our next president will end up being some lame ass MAN, out of touch with the American populace. Forget Obama, Hillary, Edwards, Romney, or even McCain. No, I believe the next man in office is someone we all know has been closely associated with one of the greatest tragedies to befall this nation. Currently his president aspirations appear way under the radar from what I know, but he has his agenda to get in the White House. I personally can't stand him, dare I even mention his name, less his presidency becomes a reality. This man too, has had his share of controversy and scandal, albeit nothing to do with race relations.
America embraced the reindeer-man and he was a huge comfort during the healing process in the aftermath of 9-11. Yeah, I suppose I could see him as the Commander and Chief taking this country in better direction. He did, after all, clean up New York City. Perhaps I'm off the mark with what he could accomplish. Needless to say, whoever wins in 2008 will have a monumental task to undo eight years of the fuck-ups from the Bush-Cheney Administration; the continual rising price oil, the surge in poverty, the on-going plight of the homeless, race relations, gay rights & equality, the health insurance issue, the list goes on and on. I fear our next leader of the Free World may suffer the same scrutiny as Jimmy Carter did during his tenure in office.
Carter is often viewed as the worst President the US ever had. I view him less tersely and see the effort he attempted to do to repair America after the Nixon and Ford Administrations (mostly Nixon's). Carter faced adversity from day one until his last day in office. Our next President, unless s/he is able to tap into resources, connect with American plight, and unify the divide between Democrats and Republican to bring REAL change and growth, will face the same daunting task as President Carter. The situation will not bode well especially if a Democrat is elected and fails to deliver. The next President will need the "balls" to bring our troops home and find some resolution to the Iraqi War without sacrificing the lives of our service-persons. S/he will need to push for legislature that will heal the country and start to break down the barriers between class and race.
So see, Don Imus, there are bigger matters out there to worry about than your foolish words. True you're an idiot and opened a can of worms, but you are not alone. Perhaps you could in throw your hat into the arena for the presidential race??? God forbid, let's hope not!
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
The results are in and Haley gets the boot! Thank you America for finally getting it right this week on Idol.
Latin music is not my favorite genre so this week's renditions didn't do much for me. I despise J-Lo with a passion. Oh sure, she doesn't want to be called "J-LO" any more because she's developing into a mature artist and wants to come off more sophisticated. Um right hooch, just like I can ask the magic Hetero Fairy (an oxymoron, indeed, perhaps elf would be better?) to wave his wand and make me 100% heterosexual.
"OK, one, TWO, THREE! Now go be straight, date, and mate!" Uh-huh. I see that happening, sure, right, it could happen. The problem with J-Lo is she is incredibly full of herself. I dunno, she irritates me.
The performances were tepid and dull this week. No one left me with the "wow factor" Tuesday Night. I can't think of a single contestant who impressed me. Sure I like Melinda, Jordin, and Lakiesha, but nobody had the pizazz or synergy to bring down the house, not even Melinda. I was convinced there was going to be a major upset tonight and either Lakiesha or Melinda was going home. Fortunately, silly ass Haley got her walking papers. I'm grateful for it finally happening, but should've happen last week!.
Ah last, poor Sanjaya. The boy is taking a beating every where he turns. Ryan displayed too much pleasure in having Sanjaya stand, sit, stand sit, stand. If anything, it only reassured me he wasn't going to be in the bottom. Is this what its come too? Make a mockery of this unfortunate limited talent child?
Surprisingly, I actually enjoyed his performance. He was well controlled, smooth, and had sultriness. Sanjaya seems to be maturing; perhaps he's more a crooner than a stage performing singer? More reminiscent of a Frank Sinatra or Sammy Davis, maybe? He's not in the same league as those men, but maybe with time, practice and the right mentor? Maybe. Perhaps Michael Buble can pull Sanjaya under his wing and give the boy some pointers.
My only complaint about Sanjaya this week was the weak pencil thin mustache. Was that drawn on? Seriously???
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
Sorry this post will have to be brief, I'm having computer and Internet issues tonight. Hopefully, I be back in business tomorrow. I'm more than enough frustrated with Comcast and this old piece of junk I used. The monopoly over use of high speed Internet has gotten as bad as the cable industry. Of course the cable industry owns most of the high speed access to online services, so there you have it! Ugh. More tomorrow.
Sunday, April 8, 2007
Happy Easter and happy spring to everyone, although today didn't feel very much like spring. The weekend has been overcast and chilly, with bursts of snow squalls from time to time. I had an enjoyable weekend, spending time with my friends, which have become my extended family. I must admit Easter has always been a bit of an anti-climactic holiday for me. Somehow it doesn't have the same pizazz as Christmas does, but each holiday is equally important and neither could exist without the other. Still, as I get older, the holiday takes on less meaning than it used to as a child.
Growing up, Easter had fond memories starting with Good Friday. Each Good Friday, one of the local churches in my community would host Lenten services and a minister representing the congregation for one of the seven African American churches would interpret the meaning on one of Christ's seven last words on the cross. This would be particularly exciting if my home church was the host church any given year. My home church always sponsored a fish/chicken fry every Good Friday. It was a welcomed tradition in my church.
During services, if Good Friday Service was held at New Hope Baptist, your mouth would water as you sat back and enjoyed moving dramatization of Christ's last worlds. My home pastor could move the audience and draw the feeling you were actually at the foot of the cross, experiencing the agony of Mary and the Disciples as Christ was crucified. As one minister finished his interpretation, the next would attempt to out do the previous commentator, using whatever charisma he could muster to get the sisters of the church to shout "Amen, Hallelujah, Thank You Jesus, Yes Lord!" To this day, the whole passion of Good Friday leaves me homesick for days gone by.
Lady Miss T is convinced I just remember the after service supper!
Easter itself was toned down. Church was always packed and as I got older I learned to get up and go to the sunrise services instead of the regular 11:00 AM engagement. Like most people in my community, Easter and Christmas were times people dressed their finest and dragged themselves out of bed to be seen. Being a person who abhors large crowds, this annoyed me and I did everything I could to distance myself from the whole ritual. Plus, Easter was never about family like Christmas. I always looked forward to seeing my family at the Holidays, but Easter seemed reserved only each individual family unit. Easter's charms never held much in my favor.
Perhaps, I'm viewing in the wrong perspective. The holiday is about the salvation of man, but when you feel your soul is not redeemable, the holiday takes different meaning, no?
Today, I got up and called Naps' family, wishing them a happy day, then called my own loved ones. After dressing, I made the hour drive to Lady Miss T's and we enjoy a savory brunch with Leeser and her mother, "Miss" Betty. I ate way beyond what I should have, shoveling tons of starchy mashed potatoes, potato filling, and glazed carrots in my gullet. Lady Miss T and I didn't exchange gift baskets this year, which was a little sad, but money is tight this year for me.
The weekend is complete and the process to rejoin the weekly drudgery routine is upon us all. T is lucky to be off tomorrow!
Saturday, April 7, 2007
Life is tender and precious, I'm learning to believe that.
For those who have questioned, no this isn't my cat, but this cat does look like a combination of my "Orangies." Like myself, my cats value their anonymity on the blog, so "Leiby-cat" and "Wolfie-cat" won't show up on these posts. Or perhaps they might. Only the people who know them will know for sure. For the rest of you, enjoy the tenderness the images represent. I have a close both with both of my pets. They teach me about love and companionship between master and pet.
The same bond can be experience if you're a dog owner, I just have cats is all. Yeah I know, the queer stereotype all gay men have cats. Well remember I'm also African-American and most Black family have dogs and despise cats. I break the mold!
Thursday, April 5, 2007
So at best, I'm a huge procrastinator. I seem to always wait until the last possible moment to get things done sometimes. It's a character flaw, I know, but love me or leave. Tonight was no exception in my procrastination efforts. Tomorrow my work is commemorating Good Friday with a brunch. Of course, I had promised to bring some concoction, which I had every intention to creating something homemade until fatigue set in.
Around 9:45 PM, I finally decided to drag my lazy black ass to the grocery 'ho (yeah, it's a sto, really, I enjoy calling Giant a 'ho cause as much money as I spend there, I must be their bitch!) and grab something tasty. I decided on purchasing several quiches, figuring most people associate quiche and Mimosas with Brunch. Too bad we can't have Mimosas, I could use a good liquoring up, LOL.
My quick dash turned into full shopping spree. Intention was only going to permit I purchase one or two items, then go home. While there, I figured I might as well get my weekly groceries. My sleeping patterns continue to be out of whack and I've been staying up till 1 0'clock every night this week, so rushing home to get to bed was not a concern.
Hunger also had other plans. Each and every thing I passed looked so good. I was picking things off the shelves left and right. Most people who know how I shop, are used to this maddening way of hunting, gathering, then discarding. I'll dump tons of stuff in my cart, then upon preparing to check out, I'll systematically pitch items, disposing them discreetly (sometimes not) in corners of the store. Again, tonight was no exception. I was hungry beyond belief. Normally, fate would have directed me to my nearest McDonald's, but considering I gave up fast food establishments for Lent, I've been forced to semi-eat normal, healthy food. Translation "get off your tucker and cook boy!"
During my hunger binge shopping frenzy, my libido kicked in and decided to join the party. Now let's just say yours truly has been in a "dry spell" lately. In addition to giving up unhealthy foods, I conveniently gave up "hook-ups" for Lent too. I had been doing the casual sex thing more than I care to admit to anyone. It was emotionally and spiritually unhealthy insomuch as my fast food meanderings. No Napoleon, No Mr. Franklin, No Schroeder, and certainly no fantasies of Ronnie Mac or King Louis. Nope. Nada, zip. Haven't been downtown to the bars once. It's been a hard (pun intended) and erstwhile period for me.
So going to the store to night and seeing the perfect stud with a football player's build bending over with track pants, showing his smooth and perfectly round ass, with the very clear, well defined VPL....may not have been the best course of action. Whew! He was more than I could take.
Next aisle over has the oh-so-tasty twenty-something stock boy, with the walnut brown skin, tight, thick black cornrows, with a rock hard body, delicious looking ass in his just baggy enough black uniform pants, flexing his biceps as he shelves boxes of cereal....ummm, wrong aisle for me!
Mayhaps an escape to the dairy section will do this boy relief? Perhaps not! Standing are two sexy Blatino thuggish guys shooting the shit with one another, expounding in rhythmic machismo... OK, I need to get my crazy, overly stimulated butt out of this store! Now, dammit.
WHEW! I've made it home to blog. I'm relaxed now and my belly is full. Other matters are going to be denied for at least three more days. I might have to make a drive to see Mr. Franklin Easter Monday. I'll be visiting Naps on Sunday. Does Easter Sunday count as a part of Lent???? Ooooh Naps, I need to talk to you.
Moral and lesson to be learned? Number One: Never go to the grocery store hungry. And Number Two: Don't be stupid enough to give up sex and sexual contact for forty days unless you're a religious cleric. Certainly don't shop at Giant late at night either. I might run by tomorrow though to check out that fiiiiiiine stock boy with the braids. He is just too much temptation to resist.
Wednesday, April 4, 2007
AAAAAAGH! WTF!?! Why is Gina going home????? Tonight's Idol seemed totally manipulated. First of all, who couldn't tell by how they grouped the contestants which group was the bottom three. I suspected and was proven right Sanjaya wasn't going home. There was no way Melinda's group was saying goodbye, so it left Haley and company as the bottom of the heap.
Needless to say when Phil was sent back to the seating area, I felt fairly confident Haley would be leaving. Never would I have guessed Gina would be sent packing. I hate Haley. That no talented bitch! The only reason she's still around is because of what Simon said, she does have nice legs. Did anyone catch her little smirk as Gina sang? Grrr, it was the pinnacle of annoying American Idol result shows. Gina was different. She had her own style and I enjoyed her performances. Did I think she'd win? No, but I thought for sure she'd be around for a few more weeks.
Is Idol a big joke after all?
Tuesday, April 3, 2007
Monday, April 2, 2007
Today is the first day of baseball season. This is my season! Go Dodgers!
"In the seventh inning fans all get up and sing 'Take Me Out to the Ball Game,' and they're already there. It's really a stupid thing to say and I don't know who made 'em sing it. Why would somebody that's there get up and sing take me out to the ball game? The first person to do it must have been a moron."
- Pitcher Larry Anderson
"Take me out to the ball game,
Take me out with the crowd.
Buy me some peanuts and cracker jack,
I don't care if I never get back,
Let me root, root, root for the home team,
If they don't win it's a shame.
For it's one, two, three strikes, your out,
At the old ball game."
While this blog is not really intended to show adult content, I can't guarantee that an occasional image of male nudity won't appear. Be advised that this blog is intended to be read by people with an open mind. I don't claim any rights to the images nor do I have any knowledge of the sexuality of persons featured (unless they are openly gay...duh). Enjoy yourself and take a small step in my every day life and pondering... Feel free to email any comments or opinions.